Sick Week Which emerging starlet working on a high profile project supposedly did something to her face, particularly her lips, that didn’t go over so well with her directors and producers? This, combined with her sh*tty attitude, has led to a temporary dismissal. She’s been told to get off the set for a week and straighten herself out…and to hopefully come back with her features restored. If it’s possible, that is. Worse still – a few of her scenes have now been rewritten for her female co-star. So she’s losing respect AND air time. It’s the air time that hurts the most. Update: Not Jessica Simpson, the Gossip Girls, Brittany Murphy nor Ellen Page. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Just got home from work. No clue yet.... I know she was my answer for the last Lainey Blind, but how about Megan Fox. She previously had work done, and her lips are getting bigger (and her nose more refined). She's currently filming some horror flick...

1. Janet should not be writing a diet book. And 2. What's on her head. Clearly her hairstylist is pissed with her.

Fergie on the other hand is a hella of a mess.

Tyra's liposuction surgery a couple years ago was a waste of money

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Which hip-hop mogul likes to practice nude yoga in a Chelsea gym steam room? His "pathetic" manhood has driven more than a few onlookers into fits of laughter. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Russel Simmons

One Whipping Oy Blind Snarla Sledgehammer isn’t known for being subtle. She’s made her name—some say living—by being entirely in-your-face, whether you deserve it or not. And in the so-hip arena of blogging/TV commentary, the multitalented, attractive-enough babe (who’s got more hair than style sense, to be brutally Snarla-esque about it) currently shines, struts and reigns supreme. But then again, that arguable pro point’s hardly the thrust of this Vice. Several years ago, SSH had a child, Spawna Sledgehammer. Lovely kid, really, but due to Snarla’s overzealous prioritizing of all things kiddie, turned out Ms. S couldn’t even take a dump without consulting her offspring’s homework schedule, much to the chagrin of Snarla’s friends and colleagues, who became increasingly frustrated with being cast aside—always in the name of playdates, and such. Snarla became reliable for snapping at her fancyass fellow workers not to interfere with her all-holy maternal duties. Not wise. But then she made the truly unfortunate choice of repeating the same self-obsessed behavior with trusted confidantes, including Pete Priss-Ass, a well-known fagola fellow boob-tuber and writer, whom Spawna had always leaned on for lengthy bitch sessions. Much to the shock of many, Pete—not exactly a choosy customer in the great grocery store of love (he often squeezed melons he really shoulda stayed away from)—got himself engaged. Stunned, but more so ecstatic, PPA rang up his good amiga, whom he adored, and, absolutely beaming over the phone, invited Snarla & fam to the small, out-of-state ceremony. “It’s not convenient,” was SSH’s first reaction. No congrats. No words of good-wishing gooeyness, just a thorough chastising for Pete’s thoughtlessness in selecting a wedding date not conducive to—you guessed it—Spawna’s activity schedule. Ouch! Does Pete have some kinda S&M thing going for his friendships, or did he just not get the memo that hetero day-planning always trumps homo? And it Ain't Pamela Anderson, Arianna Huffington, or Nancy Grace Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Jules Asner and Ted Casablanca

This may be a horrible thing to say, but just looking at photos of Amy Winehouse improves my self-esteem.

If you can't handle your man's business, stay at home. According to several soruces, Usher's wife Tameka Foster wasn't very professional on the shoot of Usher's latest video. Foster, who was the Key Stylist for Usher's new video "Love in the Club" was "domineering" and displayed her trademark "Tameka wrath" during the video shoot the weekend of March 15 in LA. Allegedly, Foster was upset when she found out stunning singer/songwriter Keri Hilson was personally picked by Usher to play his love interest in the video. "It was supposed to be a sexy video shoot," our spy said. "And Tameka was there the entire time guarding like a watchdog. It was ridiculous - she knows Keri and knows she's no video ho or Karrine Steffans." Steffans, nicknamed "Superhead," wrote the book, "Video Vixen," about her alleged flings with Usher and several other artists. "Tameka is very insecure," our source said. "Even in rehearsals she was weird and clearly not happy that Keri is so gorgeous. Tameka threw a lot of attitude. The day of the shoot, Tameka dressed Keri very badly - she looked like an extra. Tameka wouldn't let Keri have her hairdresser there - she had to use the hairdresser who was doing the extras." Foster also took a dislike to Usher's longtime choreographer, Jamaica, and banned her from the set. When Usher and Foster were spotted at the Beverly Hills Hotel last week, "They barely said one word to each other," we're told. The two have had a choppy past. After they got engaged, Usher fired his mom, Jonetta Patton, as his manager and also axed his publicists. "Tameka was the one and only one to call the shots". Usher's manager, Benny Medina, said via e-mail: "Keri could not have been happier with Tameka's choices in the styling, hair and makeup . . . Jamaica was flown out and arrived a day late to do Keri's choreography, and was on-set at all times. The shoot itself went brilliantly." Work that spin Benny. How one woman could have such a horrible reputation...I seriously doubt it's all false. I can only think of one reason Usher would stay with this woman, and it ain't love.

Blind Item: "In Call/Out Call" She was considered hot when she hit the scene! She was a video siren. She loved dating rappers and ballers who pushed major weight. She always had to be the center of attention and she did whatever it took to be noticed and she wasn't above having sex on the set with rappers and boasting about her X-rated skills. Her game and hustle was tight but she was disappointed that she never rose above jump-off status and hip-hop stars often tossed her aside after sleeping with her. She also had a problem with her pay, she only received $500 per video. This small fee didn't feed the appetite of this material girl. After a few years, her work began to fall off as new and eager hotties appeared on the scene. They were also younger. When she heard about a fellow video girl contracting herpes from a rapper and another being HIV-positive. It was time to bounce. She had become addicted to the glamorous life and wanted to maintain it. She decided to turn to online prostitution. She currently advertises on a website and has blurred her face but we have received confirmation that it is her. She's an incall/outcall call girl who charges $1,000 per hour and her customers are mainly white men who don't recognize her from her hip-hop video days. Hobbyists also give her good reviews on her sexual performance. She often takes her friends out to expensive dinners, she rolls around town in expensive whips and she's blinged out. But, people are whispering and wondering how she's able to maintain this type of lifestyle without working a regular job. It's only a matter of time before the truth leaks out Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: As someone who used to work in this field, it could be anyone. Sorry ladies but if you f*ck the director or the rapper or the manager to get on the set, you're already a whore. At least this lady is more honest about it now.

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How He Holds Her Opportunity knocks but the past also drags. She has much to look forward to, and big shoes to fill, but the work is steady and only getting steadier and being attached to highly anticipated projects never hurts either. Only slight problem… the man in her life isn’t exactly supportive. Part jealousy, part insecurity, and he knows how to hold her, even though she’d much rather, personally and professionally, be rid of the baggage. Unfortunately he is unscrupulously forcing her to love him by good old fashioned blackmail. Because somehow she found herself in a delicate situation not too long ago and decided not to join the 08/08/08 sweepstakes. When she took care of it without his blessing, he hit the roof, and threatened to go public. She and her management have placated him for now. But it’s the kind of scandal that would not sit well with the MiniVan Majority. And so she’s waiting it out. Waiting for the right time to cut him loose, while he keeps pressing to make their commitment more permanent. Update: Not Keira Knightley, Not Beyonce (Beyonce! Jay-Z gave her the herpe, she ain't going no where.) Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green. She's a low rent Angelina and at 21 should have moved on from Brian by now....

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Britney now knows a secret that Black girls have known for a decade. Weaves eat out your hair line. Britney's ever expanding forehead, combined with a shitastic weave and crappy foundation make for one hell of look. Crazy, medicated. She still looks like ass.Kelly Rowland needs better people. What fun house mirror does she have that made her think this outfit looked good? I'm going to ignore the "fresh" face Lindsay is sporting. What's with the Britney Spears imitation? Osama look-a-like. Check. Stains on shirt. Check. She must have missed having her photo taken. This is Paris Hilton in South Africa. I hope to god this kid is an orphan. If not, her parents need to be taken to the village square and flogged. No child's head should ever be that close to Paris Hilton's crotch. Poor kid will probably wake up with Amy Winehouse face next week. Diddy's little girl is looking at him like she don't know who the f*ck he is. Nope, still no clue.

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This black male celebrity wants to be a superstar so bad, that he will do anything, and I mean anything, to achieve this goal. Like many celebrities, he is also responsible for staging publicity stunts and incidents, his nickname is the "stuntmaster." He even thought he would blow up after one of these publicity stunts. He mistakenly thought rich Hollywood women would be seeking him out for sex and help with the bills, he wanted to be a "kept man/gigolo." He even told his boyz, he would get a rich sugar mama out of the deal, didn't happen. Despite this letdown, he still parades around town like the ultimate playa with game on lock!He lives way above his means and is barely surviving but he continues to go on expensive shopping sprees and he also purchases custom made jewelry. His car garage is also valued over $1 million dollars. He is a self-proclaimed freak and there are at least two sex tapes of him that haven't seen the light of day. On one of the tapes, he appears high, in the middle of a menage a trois, with a unconscious girl and a guy. Before this short film ends, the guy is touching and rubbing his backside and they seem to be gravitating towards one another and the girl seems unresponsive. This would not be surprising because one of his boyz is rumored to have an underground sex tape business. He enjoys putting GHB in the drinks of women and filming them having sex. He then sells the tapes on the black market over the internet. He is currently being investigated for this practice. Meanwhile, our male celebrity is struttin and stuntin all over Black Hollywood like he is the man. In reality, he is barely keeping a roof over his head and barely keeping up with his car notes. If it wasn't for the generosity of family and friends, he would be possibly living in a homeless shelter.

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Which Academy Award-winning actress is so self-conscious she can't have any mirrors in her New York townhouse? She instructed her decorator to hang a portrait above the bathroom sink in lieu of a looking glass. Gossip Wrap Up Guess: Renee Zellweger. It would explain a lot.

One Backfire-for-Hire Blind Vice Browhilda Frown-Free has just about everything a once desperately ambitious, unknown actress could desire: fame, wealth, notorious love, Academy Award notice, great bone structure, fab hair, free cosmetic procedures for the taking—everything but the freedom to love the one she's (really) with. Don't worry though, babes, Brow's been down this fake-amour alley before. She's a friggin' pro at navigating the affectionless twists and turns of the overly photographed. Howev, BFF's latest man experience—heady as it all may be—has become slightly more than Browhilda's used to, what with her past liaisons of coolly arranged get-togethers. You know the age-old ersatz Hollywood plan: A couple goes out for a red carpet whatever; then they go in for separate, much more private dalliances with their same-sex partners. Brow's had this setup with almost every man she's hooked up with before. But Ms. F.F.'s latest dude—who's more than happy to bed every slobbering femme he can find—has turned out to be far messier than Brow-babe would prefer. Not only does he womanize with indiscretion, he's stupidly starting to make a loud and rather visible stink about Brow's increased devotion to her current g-f. How does that Shakespearean saying go? Oh what a tangled guy web we weave, when at first we hetero deceive? Watch out, Brow, we be onto ya!And it Ain't Renee Zellweger, Tilda Swinton or Catherine Zeta-Jones Gossip-Wrap Up Guess: Nicole Kidman? There have been rumors, but I thought that was the guilt but association with Tom Cruise. But who else is Frown-Free with an Oscar...

So after much negotiation, the "folks" (I want to say bitches but they are monitoring me) at Bell Mobility have granted me permission to access the Internet using their precious network. Although I've been warned to curb my Internet usage. Thanks for your patience and support. It would appear there has been little in the way of gossip in my absence. J to the Lo has some interesting looking kids. All babies are ugly though, so I've said a prayer that they both will take after their mother. And PageSix.com seems to have passed on. Did anyone attend the funeral? I didn't even get an invite. Back to business. N.

Wow, I know this photo of Amy Winehouse was all over the Net yesterday, but I've only just been given access. Amy needs to visit high schools on a Just Say No Campaign. I think kids will actually listen if she shows up looking like this. Her face is the best f*cking deterrent in the world. I'm actually saying a prayer for her right now. 'Cause something is terribly wrong.

BLIND ITEM: "I AIN'T SAYIN SHE'S A GOLD DIGGER! (PREMEDITATION)" She pretended like she was proud of her close friend for marrying rich but she secretly envied, desired and resented her lifestyle. She felt she deserved to live in the same opulent and glamorous surroundings. She set out to achieve this goal. She also rented sex tapes to heighten her appeal. She was invited to a industry party, a friend, who would also be in attendance told her that a filthy rich male celebrity would also be at the party. This was her chance. Before the night was over, she got his attention with a very sexy outfit and he got her digits. Step 1: Completed. Although he didn't know it, this woman had grandiose plans for him. When he contacted her, they met up and had mind blowing sex. He told friends she was like a wild animal in bed but he seemed somewhat put off by her having sex with him so soon. This woman didn't have a care in the world because she planned to use this man to emulate her friend's lifestyle. He also had money comparable to her friend and he could keep her in luxury for the remainder of her life. She also had a backup plan. Needless to say, one of her plans worked and the other backfired. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Gold digger -Melanie Brown (Spice Girls), Rich Celebrity Eddie Murphy; Friend Victoria Beckham

I've been booted from my Internet provider for "excessive usage". Apparently someone has hacked into my wireless Internet account and is doing god knows what. So I've been without Internet since Friday. Posting will be light until the issue is resolved. Meanwhile I am going through serious gossip withdrawal. (I spent the weekend curled up in the fetal position with a serious case of the shakes). For all Canadians, Bell Mobility Sucks Ass. Stay with Rogers.

So instead of letting Britney's brain balance. Her family does what they do best. Put the bitch out to work. And the folks at CBS had no problem exploiting her ass. Here's Britney on set, looking like someone pasted her head on someone else's body. At least her weave looks passable. How I Met Your Mother co-star Neil Patrick Harris said she seemed "fragile but professional." SMH as usual.

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Finally Shiloh in her mother's arms smiling. Now maybe the whole "Angelina hates the blob" can be put to rest. How much do I love photos of Zahara with food?

Is Marc doing all of the child caring? This is the first photo of Jennifer and Marc post twins. Marc looks like ass. He looks like death. I actually feel sorry for him. Marc does not look like a man enjoying life.

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Which new mama likes to sneak vodka into her water glass even though she's still breastfeeding? Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Poor Nicole Ritchie. Addiction's a bitch, plus it must be the most effective way to deal with Paris.

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One Same-Old, Shame-Old Blind Vice Love Life is a smart flick that became a megahit with everyone from teens to adults, with some critical trophy amour thrown in for good measure. Shark Wankberg, a supersuccessful catch (some say), was the main man behind funding the somewhat quirky film. However, the only reason the damn movie got greenlighted in the first place wasn’t because of the offbeat script that floated all over T-town, but because Sharky wanted to sleep with terribly classy Sheila Slurp-Never, who was famously attached to the project. See, Sheila’s been a rising star since she first stepped onto the silver screen. Shee-babe’s respected and talented—not to mention quite doable—and S.W. set his sights on bedding the hon some time ago, trust. But as Ms. Slurp-Never puts up such a good act of being the pissy, high-minded brainy type, the horny dude never thought he had a chance getting the broad between the sheets. But that certainly didn’t mean Shark didn’t try his utter best. Mr. Wankberg saw to it to lay out the cash to get Love’s production rolling along, using his producer power as an excuse to get closer to SSN. And sometime during the filming of the movie that would actually turn out to make millions, Sharky finagled an opportunity to wine and dine Sheila on his yacht, and they did, indeed, do the deed. Turned out to be a piece o’ (very expensive) nooky cake for Shark, much to his slutty surprise. Regardless, the S’s stealthy sexploits were kept hush-hush—could it be because SSN is a few decades Shark’s junior? Or maybe it’s because Sheila found out about Sharkie’s funding favor for the film and felt obligated to him? Doubt it. She be a horncat, that babe. On a power-salacious side-note, Ms. Slurp-Never’s costar was also sneaking beneath the sheets with one of the flick’s other producer-types, though less scandalously so since their ages (and intentions) were more on the same page. Boring! And It Ain't Parker Posey, Jamie Lynn Spears, Virgina Madsen Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: After spending twenty minutes trying to translate Ted C....the name Shary Wankberg leads one to think Mark Walberg, but he hasn't done anything that fits. Jamie Lynn in the nots, leads me to Juno and Ellen Paige. But Ellen doesn't seem to be the type... Clueless on this one.

I love Alanis Morrisette, but if my ex-fiance started dating Scarlette Johanssen, my ass would be in a gym.

I've always said there's something unclassy about Melanie Brown. And I'm saying it again.

This old man needs to retire. Snoop Dogg looks like he should be hanging out on the corner in some 'hood.

What's with Kim Kardashian and Black men? Seriously though, I don't think this is going to help Obama.

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Which rehabbed screen siren flipped out when her sobriety caretaker tried to shoo stray cats away from the facility and into the woods? The bombshell tried to have him fired, but was told to calm down and focus on herself. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Kirsten Dunst who's currently in rehab at the Cirque Lodge

WHICH friendly actor recently fell off the wagon? Though he's been in rehab several times, he was spotted stumbling out of a Hollywood hotel at 7 a.m. looking totally "wasted" . . . Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Colin Farrell WHICH creepy flack has a reputation for being overly aggressive with women? He was recently booted from a nightclub for manhandling a young lady and pulling her hair . . . WHICH young soap starlet made networks execs extremely nervous when she was starting out? She was known for fooling around with her much older producers . . . WHICH Hollywood hunk cheats on his gorgeous model girlfriend all the time? They've been together for a while but he's clearly not ready to settle down. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Leo DiCaprio

Don't Shoot The Messenger Which middle-age Lothario famous for playing a small-screen love interest has been using his renewed fame to land very young women? One recent hookup was all of 16 years old. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Andrew McCartney (Lipstick Jungle)

For the love of God let that be pre-menstral bloat. Do you get the impression that The Donald doesn't hold his kid too often.

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Leftover Blow It’s either diva bitches or cokeheads these days, don’t ask me why… Many assumed she’d chilled out on the hardcore life, taking a more low key approach, curbing several vices, focusing on career and love. Apparently not so. In fact, she raging even harder these days. Makes it more fun when there’s a partner. And while recreational use is generally accepted in Hollywood, powdering your nose on the job, all day long, day after day… suffice to say, when you can surprise the industry, you might be going overboard on the consumption. Currently working on a new project, she often has to head for the ladies almost every 10 minutes. Glassy eyed and wired all day long, it’s now her only way to get through the long hours. Sniffling and bumbling at the start, bouncing off the walls in no time, so far it hasn’t been a problem because she’s stayed on top of her game. But the other day, when rushed for a scene by the crew, she decided to hoover a thick line on a mirror on the table in the makeup trailer while the stylists had stepped out, laying out so much that what was left over on both sides could have been divided themselves to yield another two lines and so on and so on. Like the cocaine version of cellular division. All hell then broke loose when the leftover blow was discovered as there are children who visit the set rather frequently and so the star was given a stern, uncomfortable talking to, after which she did sweetly apologise to everyone around and treat the crew to snacks and goodies on her but is now being watched closely in the hopes she can control herself enough to see the shoot through on time. Not Uma Thurman. Update-12-3-08: Not Renee Zellweger. Not Meagan Fox. Not Winona Ryder Update 13-3-08: Not Kate Bosworth. Not Charlize Theron CORRECTION. Not Kate Beckinsale (I swear this morning it said Bosworth) Gossip Wrap Up Guess: Mischa Barton (Alice in Sutherland -not sure if it's filming though) Keep forgetting Lainey is based in Vancouver -so most "onset" stuff might come from the locals. How about Gillian Anderson of X Files? Only if Mischa hasn't started filming yet.

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I don't care how fit you are, if you have to hold down your dress while walking Serena, its too short.

For a whole year we begged Beyoncé to hide, now she listens?

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Don't shoot the messenger Which 8-year-old son of a daytime TV personality told gossip reporters on the red carpet that he had recently come down from bed to find his famous mom drinking margaritas on the terrace? "She told me she was going to do the dishes, but she lied to me!" the tyke complained earnestly. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: I would seriously beat my kid for chatting my home business on the red carpet. Confused about this one though, Kelly Ripa's kid is 11, so it must be someone from the morning shows...

Which clean-cut pop star is a jerk behind closed doors? When a top model accidentally sat on his jacket at a recording studio, the warbler sprinted over and demanded she move immediately. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Justin Timberlake? Although would we be shocked that he's a jerk behind closed doors....

This woman has a beauty contract? Plastic surgery should not be taken lightly folks. Elizabeth Arden Spokes Model, Catherine Zeta Jones and her silly putty face.

I know she's a talented singer, hell she's a SUPERSTAR. But why do people keep giving Beyoncé movie roles? Have you people not been paying attention? She cannot act. Here's Beyoncé sporting a blond do on the set of Cadillac Records. She'll be playing Etta James.

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Miami Ink's Ami James made an appearance at the Daytona Bike Week 2008. Photo: The Guys From Love Hate / Miami Ink

Will this very famous female celebrity ever tire of paying off women (with confidentiality clauses attached) her brother physically abuses on a frequent basis? Instead of suggesting her brother get counseling for a anger management problem he obviously cannot control. She always steps up to the plate every time, to dispatch her fixer to pay off abuse claims from various women. He seems to target models, black and white. His sick logic, "Lets see how fast they can repair their face after I batter it." Despite being a female, his sister always blames the victims. "They probably provoked him, they know how to push his buttons."Some women even joke, if you need quick cash and are willing to endure a beating, hook up with him, threaten to go to the press after the beating (because of his sister's fame). Within hours, his sister's fixer will call, arrange a day and time to meet and you will receive a payoff after you sign a confidentiality agreement. Now, we're hearing this man is on steroids. This may send him over the edge, hopefully he won't beat a woman to death. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Even though there's a sex tape, I still think Brandy's little bro Ray J is gay

Which small-screen star has her personal spray tanner touch her up every other day because her actual skin tone is lighter than the Latina persona she uses to hold onto her fan base? Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Eva Longoria, she was lighter when she was on Young and the Restless, but I don't think her skin tone has anything to do with her popularity within the Latin community. I think she looks better with the tan...

Which famous braying crooner went down a line of Playmates and stunning models at a recent film festival, inquiring as to whether or not they'd sleep with him? There were no takers, and one of the models even laughed and called him "short." Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: James Blunt?

Don't Shoot the Messenger Which skinny-again chart topper has been making multiple bathroom visits with his male friend during late nights at hot spots like Hyde? Apparently it's not just the girls who like diet coke. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: John Mayer got chubby for a minute there...

Which female A-lister's Sapphic relationship with a top editrix came to a crashing halt when the wordsmith saw her "wildly" unkempt nether regions? Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Renee Zellweger? Probably some TV actress though.

Don't Shoot the Messenger Which mournful solo artist is obsessed with his own level of fame? After convincing himself on a recent flight to Australia that he would be mobbed in the streets, the scrawny singer was nonplussed that most Aussies didn't recognize him. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Was James Blunt in Australia recently? How about John Mayer?

It's my patroitic duty to give Canadians a pass on this site (with the exception of Avril Lavigne and Pam Anderson), but I only have 4 words for Rachel McAdams: Not A Good Look.

It's not the body I have an issue with, it the fact that she has tan lines. How fucking pale is Liv Tyler. She's practically Casper. If it were not for her crazy-ass wardrobe and access to Tom's Black Amex, I would feel sorry for Katie. I wonder how long she has to put up with this, because she looks like she can't keep up this front for much longer...

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I need to apologize to Beyoncé. I, like many people on the Internet spent much of last year begging the weaved one to go away for a minute. But after watching Mariah's new video and Janet Jackson's 'Feedback' and 'Rock with U' clips, it's these two old fogies that need to visit a rest home.

Mariah needs help. Mariah's voice, which is getting pitchier with every passing year and whose wardrobe decisions prove that's she's clearly missing her glory days of the good old nineties. Why does Mariah look like she should be working at the car show in every f&cking shot in her new music video? Who the hell styled this thing? Of course at least Mariah's song grows on you. Janet Jackson just needs to give it up. I know odd timing, because this week marks a comeback of sorts of Ms. Jackson. Her album Discipline just beat out Erykah Badu to reach the number one spot on Billboard's Charts. But at some particular point someone need to have a conversation with Janet. This futuristic/Japanese/dominatrix theme she repeatedly has going on in her music videos, only makes he look older. She's forty years old, she ain't fooling anyone. Janet's label has dropped her second video 'Rock With U' -which looks like the love child of Britney Spears and Kylie Minogue's previous offerings. Janet's vocals have never been her strongest asset, but they are practically non-existent on this track. Unfortunately, there's something 'not current' about her new music. But what I find most distracting about Janet is her face. Its slipping. Aging is a natural and beautiful thing, except for in Hollywood. Whenever you get someone who has had as much plastic surgery as Janet, aging becomes a painful exercise. It's as if the skin isn't aware that it has been moved and its not wrinkling normally... It's like her face in the midst of an avalanche. It's sad actually. Two talented ladies who changed, or at least altered the music game and I'm saying retirement should be an option. SMH To view Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body" Music Video go here. To view Janet Jackson "Rock Wit U" Music Video go here.

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One New Nose About It Blind Vice Vicky Vamp Void recently had some work done to her famed bod, though we think her old mug is just as shrugworthy as her new one. The unnecessary surgery seemed completely cosmetic, but ya never know—cocaine does do some pretty rancid damage to the ol’ septum, boys ‘n’ girls. Stick to Diet Rockstar, kiddos, ‘kay? Vicky has been spotted in the past casually snorting the white stuff at the Spider Club, the semiexclusive hot spot atop Hell-Ay’s Avalon. Spider might be a private place, but Vicks nonchalantly nosedived in front of tons of spying eyes like it was no big deal. Usually, it sure ain’t, since who's left in T-town to throw stones at when everyone’s taken a sniff or two time and time again? But so it goes when you’re a superceleb. Your fun night out becomes game for goss, fer sure—not that getting caught with coke could sink this supposed young role model’s rep much lower. Recently, VVV’s been seen around just about every hip hang with her intriguing, sexually mysterious partner in crime, Humpy Harlow. The tingling twosome are more than happy to parade in front of the paps, soaring as high as weather balloons. But why is H2, a heretofore pretty iconoclastic star, going along for the Us Weekly upchuck ride? Dunno. Might have something do with the fact that, prior to being attached to V3’s barely there notoriety, Hump was known to not exactly party. Just a hunch there. But, uh, look for Harlow’s brand-new puss, too, sometime in ’09, we suspect. Guess H.H. has picked up some average (and lethal) Hell-Ay habits from this wild child gal-pal. And It Ain't: Miley Cyrus, Rachel Bilson, or Vanessa Hudgens Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Ashlee Simpson's new nose seems to be off, so it could be her

This is Saffron Burrows in 2004's Troy.

This is Saffron Burrows today, 4 years and 10 pounds lighter at The Bank Job movie premiere. Someone needs to tell the women in Hollywood that fat can be your friend. Being too skinny also means premature aging. She looks 45 years old, but is only 35.Funny thing is, she's a month younger than her co-star Jason Statham.

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Which floundering pop star is hoping a unisex clothing line will rehab her nonexistent singing career? Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Avril Lavigne

Don't Shoot the Messenger Which hit show that has everyone guessing about its closeted male star also has a female co-star who plays for the home team? Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: 'Closeted male star', I think he needs to narrow it down a bit, that's half the shows on TV.

Don't Shoot the Messenger Which super-star mommy cut a PR deal with the private hospital in which she gave birth to cut down on the costs of her VIP suite Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Jennifer Lopez, she needed to save the money for her baby masseuse.

Just Asking

WHICH actress went into rehab only after she suffered a miscarriage? She was on a four-day cocaine bender when she lost the baby she didn't even know she was carrying . . .

Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: This one has been reported elsewhere. Eva Mendez.

WHICH aging actress was the celebrity guest for a fashion function and made the moves on the company's powerful and handsome - but married - CEO? The company no longer works with her . . .

Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Sharon Stone -but for whom? Fendi?

WHICH red-carpet couple will finally have someone to talk to now that they're new parents? The Hollywood pair are so strange and reclusive, "they have no other friends."

Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: No clue on this one.... every weird couple with kids, I can think of has friends...

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The Wrong Colour, the Wrong Number It’s officially an epidemic – celebrities walking around intoxicated by their own ridiculous sense of entitlement, unleashing a steady stream of bad behaviour for which my Chinese squawking chicken mother would have me flogged if I ever dared to emulate. For some people however fame excuses the need for good manners. For this girl who is NOT the “no looking” No_Looking_No_Talking_No_Breathing one from last week, fame excuses the need to be appreciative and grateful and shameful. So she’s promoting a new project, is making the rounds. Gets picked up in a very very high end luxury car. Like super luxury. It pulls up to pick her up and she refuses to get in because “she doesn’t like the colour”. It’s too bright. She doesn’t “do that colour”. After half an hour she’s finally coaxed inside. Then she throws another fit because there are 5 water bottles inside the car. Odd numbers. She doesn’t like odd numbers. She specifically requested even numbers. Near meltdown ensues. Next stop – her dressing room on a show where she’s scheduled to perform. Her people apparently requested “skinny mirrors’. Skinny mirrors were not ordered. Regular mirrors were ordered. She takes one look at herself and threatens to walk. She is placated by the promise of a one week resort stay in the Caribbean. And I haven’t even bothered to share the details of her catering complaints: not enough sashimi, not enough champagne, sandwiches were too soggy, and on and on and on. Someone needs to invent The Slapper. The Slapper needs to slap this bitch hard. Let me save you some work: not Mimi, Whitney, Janet, Madonna, or Lopez Not Beyonce or Rihanna (as if! Bajans beat their kids -I kid) Not Mary J. Blige. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Mary J Blige was actually the first person to pop into my head. She does come across as humble now, but I do remember Mary when she started out...Is she regressing? So much for that one. Wouldn't it be funny if it was Alcia Keys? How about Hayden Panettiere?

Don't Shoot the Messenger Which singer turned Broadway star is miserable along the Great White Way? Although he privately gripes that he hates the show he's in, he has to ride out his contract. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Clay Aiken

A crazy work/school schedule, has led to limited postings during the past few weeks. To make up for it, I've decided to give you all a treat. Now that Miami Ink's Ami James is officially off the market (with child!) I must focus my lust on Chris Nunez. Here's Chris on MTV Canada. If you ignore the fact that his voice has a little Ben Affleck lilt, he's practically perfect!

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Boys Are Bitches too! And not just the gay ones. He is happily attached but his entire persona pre-commitment was based on the fact that he was just a dude. An immature funloving dude. An un-Hollywood dude who routinely pointed out the Hollywood hypocrisy of many other Hollywood dudes and douchebags. Now he’s a big star in an A List relationship. Which of course gives him the right to act like a self important little big twat. But how f&cking spiritual is this? Photo shoot this weekend for a gadget company he endorses. He too pulls out the primadonna moves: Shows up 3 hours late. And again – don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, don’t even sneeze in my direction, and yes… it was made clear that he preferred to be alone with the photographer between frames, necessitating a run and gun scramble from the crew, meaning the photographer would have to holler for help in a different room every time an adjustment needed to be made. Can you imagine? Can you imagine verbalising that order? Don’t look at me and don’t talk to me? When did that become ok? Word is this is not unusual. It’s actually standard procedure where he’s concerned. On another occasion, he was particularly demanding when it came to his favourite tea, steeped for exactly 6 minutes, always needs to be piping hot even if he doesn’t touch it, can’t be microwaved, and he doesn’t like boiled tap water either. He wanted boiled bottled water. A special brand. It never, ever stops. And it’s even worse when he’s with her. Apparently her makeup brushes have to be cleaned in special water too. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Finally Lainey's makin' them easy again. Ashton Kucher and Demi Moore. On a serious note, someone needs to tell Demi that Kabbalah water alone is not going to purify your make-up brushes.

...this one's is right up there with Jennifer Hudson's Vogue cover. Mariah Carey covers Allure -badly.

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