I must be in a cynical mood this morning

Last night Katie Holmes arrived at her charity Dizzy Feet’s first fundraising gala in Los Angeles, looking like @ss. Please don’t tell me that she is hard at work and a mom, so this is acceptable. Katie probably has 2 nannies, several handlers, and a household staff to look after her needs, and this is how she shows up when her gay husband is out of town? Angelina has 6 kids and looks better when she’s heading out to Toys R Us. Someone needs to tell Katie that if she's going to commit to the fraud, she needs to go in full force. At least attempt to make the marriage seem believable. What the hell is he paying her for? Why don't the Scientologist team her up with Kelly Preston? She could learn a thing or two from Kelly.

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We may never learn the truth about what went on in the wee hours at Golf superstar Tiger Woods’ home. But we do know this –Tiger is not a Black man.

Remember when Tiger claimed years ago that he wasn’t Black, but some hybrid of White, Native American, Asian and maybe a little Black and we all scoffed. He wasn’t lying. This weekend, the police showed up at Tiger Woods home THREE TIMES to interview him about the accident Friday night. And THREE TIMES, Tiger Woods has told them to go away. And they actually left! What Black man in America can tell the cops to go away? Hell, if it was Obama, they would have him handcuffed standing on the White House lawn while they searched the place –and we know he’s biracial. My apologies to Tiger Woods. Go on with your bad self.

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Someone, with way too much time on their hands, did a video montage of Oprah Winfrey welcoming celebrity guests to her show. I never noticed before, but Oprah is a fanatic...for everyone. Too funny.

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Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have broken up. No reason was given for the split and until Ted Casablanca comes out with a new Toothy Tile Blind Vice, we’ll just have to guess.

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Heidi Klum and her husband Seal debuted the newest edition to the Celebrity Baby Club, Lou. She's too adorable.

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…especially if that man is Tiger Woods.

I think Tiger Woods is about to be single again, because his people don’t seem to be able (or don’t want) to come up with a coherent story to save his image.

Early Friday morning, just after The National Enquirer and Star magazine broke news of an alleged affair, Tiger Woods was involved in a car accident just outside of his home in Florida. Police arrived at the scene to find Woods drifting in and out of consciousness, lying in the street with his wife watching over him. Tiger was taken to the hospital with facial lacerations after crashing his car into a fire hydrant and a tree. At first, it was reported that Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren heard the crash from inside the couples mansion and came out to aid her husband –carrying a golf club. She used that golf club to break open the rear window of the car to rescue Tiger. But that story had more holes than a golf course.

TMZ has a source that claims that Elin scratched Woods’ face after she went berserk over reports he was seeing another woman and chased him with a golf club, striking his vehicle as he ran from the home.

Elin has to be the dumbest blond on the planet.

Either that or the Woods don’t have internet. Reports of Tiger’s cheating (and covering up), have been all over the internet for years. Hell, the cheating started when the two were dating according to many people. Why Elin would go crazy because two tabloids picked up the story, I don’t know. Tiger bought Elin, a former nanny, a yacht for a wedding gift. She needs to just shut up, take her black American Express card, go shopping and get over it. Because poor men cheat too.

Note to Chris Brown Fans: Tiger’s wife attacked him with a golf club and chased after him and he just left the scene -well tried too. There was no beat down on his part. That’s how a man behaves. Chris is and forever will be a punk ass (until he acknowledges his error).

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Susan Boyle performed live on NBC's Today Show then took a break in the Rock Centre café at the Rockefeller Centre. While there fans presented Boyle with a quilt which was handstitched by hundreds of fans from countries including the UK, USA, Canada, Mexico, Poland, Japan and Antarctica (really Antarctica?). Quite sweet. But Boyle found the gesture and all the attention overwhelming, because shortly thereafter Boyle started sucking her thumb intensely and then while leaving the table she appeared to burst into tears. Moments later, apparently as she realized her fans were watching, she composed herself and performed a little dance.

A spokesman for the star, 48, from West Lothian, played down the episode, saying: "She was just overjoyed and extremely touched with the reception she has had from everyone in America."

But a source told The Daily Mirror: "Everyone around her is acutely aware how susceptible she is to becoming emotional when under stress. She has just undertaken a tour of America, which would put anyone under enormous pressure.

"It seems to have taken its toll and she was visibly upset. She is being closely monitored and given all the support she needs."

Why is this woman touring? Let her put out albums, and allow her to promote them by doing taped televised interviews and the odd live performance. But that’s it. She obviously lacks the mental capacity for it.

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Some of you probably weren’t even born when Sade’s first album came out. We had it on cassette tape. I recently repurchased Sade’s Promise on iTunes. I love her voice. I love her sound. Even when I was a kid, Sade was grown folks music.

Epic Records announced today the release of Soldier of Love, a new album- which will be released on February 8th, 2010. This is Sade’s first official studio album since the multi-platinum release of Lovers Rock in 2000.

I can’t wait.

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Lindsay Lohan and her drama have distracted us from the other American tragedy. Courtney Love.

Courtney Love took to her Facebook page today to share her theories on various crimes and injustices in the world. Courtney shouldn’t be allowed on the internet without adult supervision, but since she was, let’s digest the genius.

IF something happens to me, NO my will is NOT at Greenberg Glusker, that will is FORGERY…i created a new one per lISA FERGUSONs attorney who cannot be FOUND but that needs altering as it has Edward in it and Norton doesn’t have a CLUE how evil his own BM is he wont fuck a future Senator/Film Actor but hell purposfully refinance Kim Cobains Property i bought her cash outright, for the 12th time using a phony address due to some fuck up on some Bogus “ART FORM OF THE CH 13” R TODD used, leavng KIM COBAINS PROPERTY REPOS…SESED< “you have an hour to get your things” wtf did Kim Cobain do to YOU… so its best to never tell let alone kiss and trell i m shcoked at myself i never kiss and tell unless im really mad at an ex for like LOSING 300,000$ of my kid hes supposed to be paternal abouts money, oh yeah Norton just LOST 300k.

And then:

britneys dad molested her , imagine the father that molested you owning you for slavery while your forced to sing songs picked for thier sexual content every night, insane right? i have it on First had authority, and fight as hard as she is and does she still didnt pull that card, its a pride thing i can relate to, However they want to play dirty, lets go, Im SO not affraid of the little trolls who hit this when i was fucked up who are called lawyers. lets GO.

The scariest thing about these rants are that I totally understand what Courtney’s saying. Courtney and I must have had the same English teacher in grade three. Courtney’s post read like my emails to my friends, same bizarre capitalization, same grammatical structure, and same thought process. Granted, I’m cold sober when I’m typing…so I guess that makes me the dummy.

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Entertainment Weekly has decided to cash in on the TWILIGHT craze (again), by doing three collector's covers to celebrate the release of NEW MOON. Three magazine covers to celebrate one lame ass movie. Whatever.
Kristen Stewart finally smiles on a magazine, she looks so cute in this photo. I'm not even paying Robert any mind.

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We’re not even sure why the magazines keep pushing it, but this couple who are said to be romantically involved, are actually nothing but. Sure, they’re having fun playing with the press, but it’s mostly because they are told it would be a good marketing strategy for their career. Everyone around them knows however, that they are just good friends, not lovers. One in all the media buzz is actually rumored to swing the other way. Not Chace Crawford.

The Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson (sellouts)

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I’ve got a Rihanna confession.

You all know I stan for Rihanna. I’m a huge fan of hers. Yes I know that she can’t sing very well (but at least she sings live) and her performances are akin to watching a high school talent show (but she’s getting better). I have all of her albums, every last one of them. And until now, I thought they all sucked. I even checked my iTunes, and with the exception of 7 songs, I’ve played most of her tracks only twice, a couple 3 times, and way too many just once! Her stuff is too manufactured to me. It sounds like a bunch of record executives and producers got together and picked her songs.

Honestly, the Barbados connection (my parents are from there) and her fabulous style has been sustaining my love for Rihanna.

I had pre-ordered Rated R on iTunes because I had heard it wasn’t very good and I wanted to support her. I had heard that Rated R was dark, which it is, but I actually like this album. It doesn’t sound as phony and contrived as her previous efforts. It suits her image too– the girl with the cutting edge style and too many tatts. Sure it’s manufactured, but it’s so gritty that it sounds real. Obviously the "Chris Brown Incident" had a huge impact on this recording. It's as if she's trying to convince us that she's "hard", she's a tough girl. She's definitely not playing the victim on this album. Favourite tracks so far, Wait Your Turn, Rockstar 101, Rudeboy and Hard (I'll love the sound of Jeezy's voice). I say so far, because I'm still digesting.

Note to Rihanna, next time (God forbid) your boyfriend beats you down, you might want to take some time off before making your next record. Way too much gun-play talk on this album. But girl, I understand.

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Adam Lambert released the video for the title track off of his new album For Your Entertainment today. Maybe this will help him erase the stain that was his AMA performance. The video concept is hardly original –actually it’s kind of played out, but so is the music industry right now. Considering Adam’s an American Idol alumni, I have to say this is a pretty good first effort. It looks like money was actually spent on this.

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I intentionally did not comment on Adam Lambert’s performance at the American Music Awards because of this. But since there have been thousands of complaints, and the cancellation of his Good Morning America appearance, I will say this: in 2009, on network television, you may simulate oral sex or you may have a same sex kiss. But you sure as hell can’t do both.

Someone needs to tell Adam that he doesn't live in Thailand, he lives in the US of A. Translation: there is some sh*t you just cannot do (yet). Besides, his performance kind of sucked.

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I’ve joked that certain celebrities need better people, but in this case, these people, need better people. Actually, I wonder if their respective ‘people’ are the same ‘people’, because that would explain a lot...Anyhoo, some jackass decided that Janet Jackson and Ashanti should go on tour together.

Digest that one for a minute.

Two women, who haven’t been able to sell albums in more than a minute, are going out on the road together. Unless this concert tour is sponsored by the Dollar Store, with ticket prices to match, I expect this Janet-Ashanti collaboration to end abruptly due to migraines, bad menstrual cramps...or whatever lame excuse their publicist comes up with once they realize that no one is showing up to the concerts.

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Taylor Lautner covers Rolling Stone magazine. 16 never looked so good.

I saw NEW MOON on Monday night. Let me just say it now, anyone who thinks Robert Pattinson can act, needs to get his or her head examined. He was embarrassing in the movie. I swear, Pattinson must of went to the Captain Kirk School of Drama. Monday night’s audience was full of women, mostly over the age of twenty-five, all of us too embarrassed to see NEW MOON during opening weekend. Every time Robert opened his mouth, we all started to snicker. Thankfully he was barely in the movie. Thankfully, Taylor Lautner shirtless was. Robert Pattinson sans shirt was an eyesore, I actually screamed "Jesus cover that up!" during his big Italian ‘unveiling’ scene. I hope to God that in ECLIPSE, someone gets Pattinson a sandwich and some bronzer, because he was not sporting a good look in NEW MOON.

But Taylor Lautner shirtless was all good!

I can’t even tell you whether Taylor’s acting was any good, because he was so cute I was easily distracted, and I had to keep reminding myself that he was a child, and that lusting after him was icky.

The flaw in casting NEW MOON is this: no young woman would stand between Taylor Lautner/’Jacob’ and Robert Pattinson/’Edward’ and pick Robert Pattinson’s pasty scrawny ass. Seriously, if I was Bella and I was standing in the woods between Taylor/’Jacob’ and Robert/’Edward’ I would turn to Taylor/’Jacob’ and say: “turn into a werewolf and eat this bitch so we can get the f*ck outta here.” Perhaps this is why I’m not in Hollywood writing movies?

TEAM JACOB 4 EVER!

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Juno Award-winning artist Haydain Neale of the R&B group jacksoul passed away Sunday, November 22, 2009 at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto, after a seven month battle with lung cancer. A native of Hamilton, Ontario, Neale is survived by his wife Michaela, daughter Yasmin.


Send a message of condolence or share your memories of Haydain Neale - [email protected]

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Janet Jackson needs to accept that she peaked in the 90s. Either switch it up Janet, or get out of the game.

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I love Alicia Keys, but she needs a new stylist and choreographer -quick.

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Jennifer Lopez went down during her American Music Awards performance last night. People can barely walk in 4 inch heels let alone dance or jump off people in them.

Amazing recovery though, if you blinked you missed it.

Adam Lambert fell during his performance too, but I can't find any footage that's still accessible.

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It’s clear that the Twihards never left the movie theatres this weekend. Box Office Mojo is reporting that THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON took in $140 million this weekend, making it the third highest opening weekend of all time.

I may have to go back and re-watch TWILIGHT, because I vividly remember sending out texts and sighing and moaning in discomfort throughout. Since, THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON received sh*teous reviews, who the f*ck went to see this? Where did these kids get all that money?

Good taste is dead.

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Crotch Returns in Slinky Undercover Blind Vice!

Darlings, we were going to give you a New Moon Vice update, but for all of you who are so sick of vampires you could cry blood. We'll reward you by bringing back an oldie but yummy-goodie.

Remember Crotch-Uh-Lastic? The hunky, rising, male star who would hire men to come back to his Hills pad, dress up in some swim trunks and get the naughty party started?

We can't believe it's almost been two years, but Crotch has officially risen, like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters! Mr. Uh-Lastic has solidified himself as a respected Hollywood actor, which means it's time to be even more discreet 'bout his homolicious ways...

See, Crotch would love to go out, hit up the gay scene and bring himself back a cutie. But as the fagola Hollywood story goes, he so cannot out himself.

Not because he cares about being famous. No, Toothy Tile Crotch is not. Instead, CUL is more concerned how his sexuality would hinder the roles he gets, 'cause he's now being taken oh so seriously. He loves acting. Not the ritzy lifestyle that comes with it. He doesn't even care that much about hurting his beard (if Toothy outted himself it would be very damning to the both of them, in many, many ways).

So what's a horny dude-loving guy to do?

Sick his assistant on the unknowing gay population of Los Angles, natch. Only problem is the de-lish men in West Hollywood are totally starting to catch on. And blabbin' about it, too! Halle-homo-lujah!

Mr. Lastic's assistant frequents the standard WeHo gay bars, successfully luring back men for his famous master. Too funny: it's also exactly the same dude-fishing m.o. Furrowed Frank uses when he has his trainer lure future conquests for him at the gym!

Only problem is, if said man isn't interested in hooking up with Crotch on the down low, the guy has no reason not to spread it around to his gossip lovin' friends—as is happening a bit. Seems pretty strange to us, as Mr. U-L is has hunky doable as they come.

And as sneaky as Crotch would like to be, more and more people 'round town are starting to hear about what goes down, literally, up in Crotch-uh-Lastic's Hollywood home. And it's not just poolside, folks.

Think any of these guys will out dear old Crotchy soon? Doubtful—with his adorable dimples more men will jump at the chance to jump CUH, and then shut up about it after. Than not. But remember, it only takes one.

AND IT AIN'T: Alexander Skarsgård, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe

The Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: James Franco

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They all fall down
Very promising, very young, very well connected star was completely smashed at an afterparty recently, stumbling, mumbling, a total embarrassment, and not quite legal. She doesn’t eat, she’s drinking heavily, she’s experimenting with some other substances, she’s practically living with her boyfriend, and there is rarely an adult around to supervise.

Many thought she had passed the danger stage and she’s so promising, especially with her pedigree, that they’ll lie and hide and camouflage when she f-cks up, hoping that the phase will pass. But drama runs in the family, they should watch this one closely before she goes the way of the Lohan. Because people are talking and these people are accustomed to seeing young girls get f-cked up all the time. She’s going so hardcore though that she’s getting their attention.

Not Miley Cyrus or Taylor Momsen.

The Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Emma Roberts

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*blank stare*

I don’t even know where to begin.

I saw this picture on Dlisted, by way of People of Wal-Mart.

Now I’ve made reference to my “issues” with my weight before. And I’ll have you know I ate Häagen-Dazs ice cream for dinner last Saturday …AND SUNDAY (yes I’m back on the food is love diet). And I’m still smarting that my Auntie Merissa told me my arms were getting “Oprah-ish” and that was like two years ago. So you know I am treading lightly here. Normally civilians are off limits for me. If you’re making millions of dollars, I’ll laugh and poke fun at your ass. But if you’re a regular Joe, I’ll cut you some slack. But I cannot let this one slide.

There are three things wrong with this photo.

1. It’s on the website “People of Wal-Mart”. Which means it was taken at a Wal-Mart. Which means she left her house in this get-up.
2. She is not alone
3. Somebody tied that string around her straps.

I will not mention how I stared at the photo for 5 minutes trying to understand what was going on. I didn’t know they made high waisted jeans in plus sizes. Because the ratio between top of her jeans, the shoulder bag, the elbows, the backfat and the “strap connector” have left me scratching my head in confusion. Hell, I’m still trying to work it out.

But what kills me is the why? WHY?!!!

Sometimes you just have to say something. Sometimes you need to tell your friend, your partner, your neighbour: “No girlfriend, get your ass back in the house and cover that sh*t up.”

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Am I the only person who thinks this photo of Suri Cruise in high heels and leggings is creepy as all hell? You can’t blame Tom for this one. Tom isn’t even in the same city.

This is Katie’s fault.

I get the impression that Suri is the only friend Katie Holmes has. And poor Katie is so afraid of losing that friendship that she won’t tell the kid no.

On a positive note, Tom Cruise has money. So in about 3 years he’ll be able to shell out the cash to pay for bunion surgery on a 7 year old.

SMH on this one.

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I saw this picture on  SandraRose.com. Sandra claims a "loyal reader" sent in pictures of her baby in a lace-front wig.

That's why I love Sandra Rose, she's good people.

If one of you sent me pictures of your baby all jacked up, wearing hair some poor kid in India had to sell in order to feed her family, I’d be calling out your ghetto ass on my blog, and forwarding your email address to Child Protective Services. 

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are celebrating their third anniversary today. Three years, one child and still no one is buying this relationship. 

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I was so sure the Twihards were going to win this one. I was so pissy all night long awaiting confirmation. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and Robert Pattinson. B*tch please. But editors at People decided at the last minute to grow a pair. Robert Pattinson is not the Sexiest Man Alive (no sh*t!).

That honour goes to Johnny Depp. Acceptable. But since I used to love him in his 21 JUMP STREET days, I concede that Johnny’s been holding down 'the sexy' for decades -although 'the sexy' officially died at the photo shoot for this cover. Not a good look Johnny. 

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but I don't think this is result of just plastic surgery. Rose McGowan 2006 and today. I wonder...

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Richie Sambora and his daughter Eva (hope to God they arrived in a limo). Pretty kid, looks like her mom. But what is she? 11...12? Is this how 12 year olds are dressing these days? I'm officially 'old people'.

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David Beckham proves that when you're a beauty god, you can wear any ree-dunk-u-lous hairstyle and still look good. You know, I've only just realized that David must spend even more time in front of a mirror than Victoria.

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If I don't see a movie opening weekend, I tend to wait for it to come out on DVD. Now while I found TWILIGHT to be marginally passable, like it or not, the "TWILIGHT SAGA" as they are labeling these films, are a significant piece of pop culture.

The kiddies have decided that vampires and werewolves with no balls are the rage. And since the kiddies are the only ones who are spending with abandon during the recession. The kiddies rule. It's the kiddies that have caused the bitches of TWILIGHT to over every newsstand, every blog and every retail outlet. I really don't want to miss this event -sparkly vampires are events now -these are truly THE END OF DAYS.

On the other hand. I think I really should be supporting PRECIOUS. I know, I could just buy tickets to them both. I could, but I won't. Buying a movie ticket is like voting (but more important), therefore buying a ticket to both films would negate my vote. I think I'll just buy two tickets to PRECIOUS and sneak into NEW MOON!

I'm all over that movie poster for PRECIOUS for some reason.

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I hated the song "Video Phone"...until now. Good news: Lady Gaga makes Beyoncé look gorgeous. Bad news: Lady Gaga makes Beyoncé look huge. Beyoncé's body looks sick in this video, though. I can't hate.

Update: I'm laughing at some of the critiques of the video on the Internet. The song leaves very little to work with folks, it's as if Ashanti wrote it (take a catchy hook, and repeat it over (and over) a good beat). The fact that it Beyoncé has 14 costume changes in a 5 minute video speaks volumes.

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Pete Burns wraps his lips around a cigarette in England. Do you remember what Pete looked like before (click here) he spent his life savings on plastic surgery? I have no idea how he's making his money now, but with that face, he probably has to work twice as hard.

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The MOCA New 30th Anniversary Gala on Saturday night held at (where else?)The Museum of Contemporary Art in Los Angeles. It brought out the beautiful, the fashionable and the desperate for attention.
Zoe Saldana doing her best impression of a 40 year old. Zoe, food is not the enemy.

Poor Ciara, she got confused. She saw a camera and thought she was at a fashion shoot. Do you think she practiced this in the mirror before she left?
Brad and Angelina didn't have to walk the red carpet. The reason they look so stiff is because they realized they were trapped in a building with a bunch of d-list. How is Ciara on the same guest list as Brad and Angelina? There's a publicist looking for work right now in Los Angeles.

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