(Former) New York Post gossip columnist Liz Smith on the days of Old Hollywood gossip: A real gossip story is Lana Turner's daughter killing Johnny Stompanato. It had all kinds of tragic ramifications--celebrity, sex, a little girl involved and so forth. I mean, who cares if somebody you've never heard of is sniffing cocaine in a bathroom down in Soho? That's the level of gossip today To read the Liz Smith's final NY Post column, click here.

I love Tilda Swinton's sense of style. I wouldn't be caught dead in anything she's ever worn, because it's not my aesthetic and I could never pull it off. On Tilda, it's art. On me, I'd have those pockets stuffed with tissues, my cell phone, lip balm and a pen.

There's a reason we only see Kim Kardashian hanging out with just her sisters. And obviously those two are jealous bitches. My sister would never let me walk out of the house in that jacket. I don't care if big shoulders are "in". Just because Anna Wintour, Gwyneth Paltrow and half the designers in Paris do something doesn't we should be following suit. Besides I'd look like a linebacker. Kim looks like she's an extra on Star Trek TNG.

Didn't this movie come out 2 years ago? It's only now premiering in Japan? I thought the Japanese were ahead of the game. Or maybe translating lame lines into Japanese proved too much of a challenge for producers? Anyways here are the three leads at a press conference in Tokyo. Taylor Lautner, somehow I thought he'd be bigger. I may have to rethink this whole "Team Jacob" thing... Of course if this is Robert Pattinson bringing sexy back, then maybe not. Kristen Stewart and Robert look like they haven't bathed in days.

This female celebrity is known to dabble in women so it was a surprise when she suddenly married a man with a shady past who has a rep as a womanizer. They both have kids from previous relationships and she's determined to make her marriage work. The father of her child pays for a nanny so the celebrity and her husband hired a sexy nanny and have seduced the nanny into having three-ways. Our girl hopes this will keep her sex-addicted husband happy, but in fact, he's still hiring hookers on the side! Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Scary Spice, Melanie Brown and that fake Belafonte dude she married.

Broken Hearts Club Remember when we told you about the Starlet who realized her pics weren’t selling as much and she needed a plan? Remember how we told you about a planned breakup to boost her fame? Well, the breakup has happened, and just like she and her team thought, it’s generated some buzz out there. The problem is, this Actress needs to do a better job when she’s staging a sham, because when you break up with someone, you’re supposed to avoid them and their family, aren’t you? It’s not Hilary Duff. Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Miss Trailer Parker 2005-2009 Megan Fox

I am not an insensitive bitch. I have been called "cold hearted", "mean", and a "bitch" (all of which I proudly am) but I have been known to have shown compassion. I can understand how difficult it would be to leave an abusive relationship if you were financially dependent on a man. I can see how difficult it would be to leave a man who had isolated you from your friends and family. I can see how scary and embarrassing it might be to seek help from strangers or "to check" into a shelter. But... Rihanna has no such issues. Rihanna has several hotels, homes, tropical resorts she can hide in. She has the entire entertainment industry behind her back, except for Terrance Howard, but no one cares about him. And still this woman is back with Chris Brown. Word on the street (People.com, so you know it's true) is that they are holed up at P Diddy's estate on Star Island in Miami. (P.Diddy is now on my hate list too!) You would go back to a man punk who would punch you repeatedly in your face, blacken your eyes and knock out your teeth? Just how dumb is this bitch? Does she think this guy loves her? Or has "his people" figured out that unless Rihanna takes him back, there is no way he's going to have any sort of career. If Chris and Rihanna are photographed together, several tracks on my itunes are making their way to my computer's recycling bin. And Rihanna's going to be replacing Jessica Simpson as the 'Official Gossip Wrap-Up! Dumbass Celebrity'. I hate stupid woman.

One Shooting Star Blind Vice Brain-Fry Noodlestein's completely brilliant at what he does—or rather, did. Dude's throwing it all away—friends, family, well-respected career—'cause he's hooked on the hard stuff. Much harder stuff than Smokey Shooter would ever consider. Heroin, babes. And lots of it. Think the well-worn veins of lascivious ladies Fake à La Ferocity and Morgan Mayhem have the hard drug market cornered in H'wood? Please, Brain-Fry's beating them at their own miserable game, and he's barely even trying. But his buds sure as hell are: BFN's best amigos, understandably, are up all night either worrying about their depressed friend or following his every move, just in case he hits even lower—an overdose? Jail time? It's all a likely possibility with Noodle's don't-give-a-damn behavior. They thought they'd already seen him at his worst (professionally, at least, as did many others). But it was nothing compared to seeing Brain-F injecting H right in front of 'em, which is now a matter, of course, for the iconoclast dude. Makes us seriously suspect how much these so-called friends care about Brainy's livelihood—or life—when they could easily nab the drugs out of his shaky hands. But knowing BFN, he'd just find it through some other fame hanger-on who doesn't give an ef. God knows there are enough of those in T-town to go around. Brain-Fry really should know better, as he's seen this stuff happen before. Which is prolly what made him so depressed to begin with. Britney's public meltdown is just gonna seem like a hissy fit by the time B.F.'s done self-destructing. Believe us on this one. And It Ain't: Billy Bob Thornton, Jared Leto, Kanye West Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Joaquin Phoenix. I guess he must want to see River real bad.

There’s nothing like getting humiliated by your parents. Slumdog Millionaire actor Azharuddin Mohammed received a vicious beating at the hands of his father yesterday. Apparently little Azharuddin didn’t feel like receiving the scores of well-wishers who had come by to visit his family’s shack. And his father wasn’t having it. Only days after walking down the red carpet in Hollywood and meeting Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, the ten-year-old film star was slapped and kicked by dad, Ismail. As if coming home to a shack wasn’t letdown enough. Poor kid. I’ve never been kicked by my mom (a little extreme if you ask me), but I did get a beat down in public once, so Azharuddin Mohammed, I so share you pain. Stupid me thought it would be wise to “suck my teeth” and give my mom the side-eye at Yorkdale Mall. Something I would never have considered doing in the privacy of my own home. But a public place, a crowded mall, I thought I was safe. There’s nothing like standing outside of a Town Shoes getting cuffed about your head by a crazed Bajan woman, with random black folks cheering her on. Thank god this was before video phones. That episode would have gone viral on YouTube in a minute. Little Azharuddin isn’t so lucky.

His and Her Anorexia A surprise power player in Hollywood, his wife has always been little. But nowadays it’s his extreme thinness that is raising eyebrows. What used to be extreme controlling behaviour on set has now spilled over into his personal life, and he’s applied the same obsessive devotion to his physique, so much so that it’s become alarming. Not that it’s uncommon in Hollywood for married couples to share aesthetic philosophies but these two have taken it to the extreme. Counting almonds together – no more than 15 a day. And an apple and some berries max. Two to three hours at the gym. Constant colonics. Every month a three day cleanse consisting of some watered down pre-mix and nothing else. Dairy is out the question, bread hasn’t been seen in a year, diuretics of course, and if the household staff make the mistake of bringing in forbidden foods without their permission – like on their own lunch hours, how unforgiveable – well look the f-ck out. You have never felt the fury of a hungry person tempted by a minion. Thing is, she wants another baby. And has been told it’s best to relax on the stringent diet. So while she’s trying to tiptoe over to a more normal nutritional meal plan, he’s not only been reluctant, he’s also been much more distant, spending longer hours away from home, and seeming to avoid her calls when he’s at work. Like he’s afraid her healthy weight is contagious. Or something. His behavior is also apparently getting more and bizarre. Lately he’s taken to getting onto the floor in the backseat of his chauffeured car and lying down the entire ride, crouched down, totally paranoid, even with the blacked out windows, even though he’s hardly a major pap target. He’s also borderline freakish about changing his contact information every few weeks so no one can find him. As his schedule gets more and more overwhelming, wearing several hats at a time, those around him are wondering if he’s starting to lose it … Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: I know this one, but I'm having a brain fart at the moment. Check back later. Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor

I loved Slumdog Millionaire and it's great to see some variety on the magazine covers. My favorite, Entertainment Weekly pays tribute. And Vogue India gives Freida her props too.

WICKED WHISPERS: Which sleazy reality star is going to have a cow when he finds out there's a sex tape of him floating around? In it, he's having a threesome with his very best friend Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Brody Jenner

Oscars what Oscars? According to this weeks covers, the Oscars were the backdrop for the real event -the Brad-Angelina-Jennifer Meeting! These tabloid covers were made possible by all the celebs who decided to show up dressed like ass. Yes Beyonce I'm talking to you. Us Weekly isn't on Team Jennifer's side this week. Even I thought Jennifer looked beautiful Oscar night, and this was the best photo Janice Min could find? Again another unflattering picture of Jennifer Aniston. This time In Touch Weekly kisses some Brangelina ass. If I were Jennifer, I would kill myself. 'Her smile was only for him'. How weak is she? The only thing worse was if we found out Jennifer was managing "IheartBradPitt.com". Whatever Star. If Rihanna was pregnant, her ass would have been at the free clinic. They're still putting the Obamas on the covers of tabloids? Do you really care what her life in the White House is like? I guess this edition of People is for all the losers (like me) who can't find a copy of March Vogue.

Word on the street is that Chris Brown is attending Anger Management classes ahead of his trial date. Some fool thought this would be a good PR move. Maybe if he had been attending before Rihanna's pictures came out. You're going to have to build a Woman's Shelter with your bare hands to get your ass out of this one Chris. But when the NY Daily News ran this story they said this: "But insiders are rumbling that Chris shouldn't be taking the anger management classes alone. "Rihanna is temperamental, too," says our snitch. "They're both too hot-headed for their own good." Adds another source: "It didn't help that Rihanna grabbed the keys out of his rented Lamborghini and threw them down the street. She knew it would really infuriate Chris, and it worked."" I love when people ride the Blame the Victim bus. She pissed him off, even though she knew about his temper. She's at fault. Yes people. Didn't Rihanna know she was supposed to walk on eggshells when ever she was near Chris? What fool gets a man angry? She totally deserved to get punched several times in her face for her actions. Good Lord. Who the hell are these sources? Chris Brown's Mom and his publicist?

WICKED WHISPERS: Which rock star has extra-special house parties? Guests check their clothes at the door, don a robe and indulge in huge bowls of every drug you can imagine. Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: I'm going for someone dirty. Dave Navvaro or Marilyn Manson.

I'm taking a page out of Rupert Murdoch's book and apologizing to Lindsay Lohan. I had the nerve to suggest that her weight loss was the result of some cocaine diet. Stupid me. Lindsay Lohan's recent weight loss is not the result of addiction issues, but due to "Stress and Yoga" (once a week!). F*ck them bitches over at Jenny Craig. Curious. Why do magazines spend good money on photo shoots to "capture" the image of this hag? Why don't the mags send one of their unpaid interns out to Robertson Av with a digital camera and save tonnes on the photo shoot. It doesn't matter how you shoot this girl, Lindsay Lohan always comes out looking like a $15 crack whore.

Noami Campbell on the cover of Vogue Russia. Things I learned today, Peta is too afraid to go into Russia, and Russian make-up artists can't paint eyebrows or black skin. Dwayne Johnson, Giant Magazine. I heart Dwayne. Taylor Swift on the cover of Rolling Stone. They did the best with what they had to work with.

Look at my Brad and Angie. Feel the love. Can you picture Jennifer and John looking like this? If this were John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston, he'd probably be whispering in her ear: "Can I pee on you?"

Wicked whispers Which billionaire’s son is a scary misogynist? When women balk at his less-than-gentlemanly pickup lines, he calls them bitches and shouts a threat or two. Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: One of Rupert Murdoch's boys?

WHICH actor snorted cocaine in the bathroom during an Oscar after-party, while a slimmed-down stoner actor smoked pot outside with his pals? . . . Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Everyone? for part A, Seth Rogen for latter. WHICH morning cable TV show hostess took off a week recently to get her eyes done and her breasts enlarged? . . . Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Meredith Viera has been looking a little long in the tooth. Either that or Julie Chen. WHICH aviation honcho is trying to knock down rumors he shacked up with a young hottie who works for him while his pregnant wife was back home and clueless? Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: No clue, but I suspect this one is obvious.

I got the following from Paul out in Ottawa regarding Beyoncé's fashion choice: "What's with you black people?" Now I was about to get all pissy and offended but I sorta know who this is and I guess Paul thinks were friends like that. On a serious note. If you grew up in Toronto in the late seventies, early eighties and are of West Indian background, Beyoncé's dress fabric should look familiar. Real f*cking familiar. See, every West Indian household I visited from the time I arrived in Canada (from England) until about 1985 had a couch and a love seat in some sort of velorish/velvety chemically treated fabric. The design? Big old ugly flowers. The colour? Black and gold (or gold and black) with touches of red or yellow -Accent colours with which you could match your carpets! (Jamaicans always chose red carpets, still do actually). Many of my childhood photos are filled with that damn ugly Gold, Black and Red floral couch. Hell, if Beyoncé was carrying a Burgundy Leather Clutch (my dad's Lazy-boy) she would be wearing our living room set. I kid you not. So Paul, "what's wrong with Black People?" you ask? Personally, I find it's best when it comes to "the Blacks" (and "the Gays"), not to question our fashion choices. Because in all probability, that sh*t you're laughing at now, you'll be wearing some variation of within the next couple of years. hugs and kisses, Nicola

Wicked Whispers Which married Oscar nominee has been cheating on his wife with a hard-partying starlet? Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Josh Brolin

I hate recessions. They make us regular folk miserable and they cause celebrities to "tone it down", so that we don't feel worse. Wouldn't it have been nice if everyone at last nights Oscars had been decked out in jewels and bright dresses to remind us how it used to be "B.B." (Before Bush), and how it will be in a couple of years? Instead we got plain, ugly, safe and matronly and way too many mermaid dresses. I think Whoopi Goldberg would have worked if she had thrown some make-up on. I thought she was dating a gay man? Didn't Reese Witherspoon consult him before leaving the house in this crap? Better than a pantsuit. Meryl Streep. I'm torn on this one. The pleating is beautiful, but it's all a bit much. Marisa Tomei. What is she fifty? Kate Winslet channels her grandmother. Probably the best she has looked in a while. Even while battling an eating disorder. Anne Hathaway.

Brad and Angelina Jennifer Aniston and her son. It pains me to say this but I may have to give this one to Chinocchio. Those six kids are killing my Angelina. She looks tired. Beautiful, safe and tired. Considering Jennifer Aniston is a forty year old woman, with no kids, no financial stress, easy work ('cause she plays the same character over and over again), she's got nothing better to do than look good. 10 points deducted for having an easy life! Angelina wins!!!

In case you missed it, or aren't sure how bad that musical number really was. Beyonce and company killing me at the 2009 Academy Awards.

When compared to what he's done with his face, Mickey Rourke doesn't look all the bad Miley Cyrus is channeling "Best Little Whore House in Texas". Good for her for referencing films she can actually relate to. Someone needs to tell Sarah Jessica Parker that after forty, it's time to give up the princess gowns. Taraji P. Henson looks like a shrimp. Is Jessica Biel poor? Why does she always look like she's doing her own hair and makeup. Does Anna Wintour really want to put this chick on the cover of Vogue? Beyonce makes its so bloody easy.... Why the hell is that guy trying to fix that hot ass mess. (On another note, does holding your arms like that really make your hips look smaller. Do I need to be walking around like that?)

Rihanna's people put out the following statement: "At the request of the authorities, Rihanna is not commenting about the incident involving Chris Brown. She wants to assure her fans that she remains strong, is doing well, and deeply appreciates the outpouring of support she has received during this difficult time." Me, I would have added a "F*ck You Chris Brown!" in there. Good for her, clearly her people come from the classy side of Barbados.

Some needs to tell Designer Richie Rich that Pamela Anderson has long since expired.

According to the NY Daily News (via Perez) Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi want to have a baby. The pair are reportedly set to try to conceive via in-vitro fertilization treatments and are hoping for a boy. “[Portia] is prepared to go through [IVF] 10 times if she has to,” says an insider. “Whatever it takes to get pregnant, she’ll do it.“ Must be nice to have all that free time. Wasn't Portia an actress at one time? But why a boy?

Apparently TMZ did buy that photo from a shady cop. Now the LAPD is investigating. I'm sure they'll spend a lot of man hours looking into it.

This photo will probably get me another letter from some LA based lawyer, but if TMZ asks, I'll take it down. TMZ got the first photo of Rihanna, no surprise there. While other blogs have been wasting their time with the "friends of..." TMZ has had the LAPD in their pocket. Before anyone says 'it doesn't look too bad', this was probably taken a couple hours after the event. Pretty sure the next day it was worse. (Can you imagine what it looked like before they cleaned up the blood?) To Chris, you're a singer so I'm sure you can finish this one for us: "So long, Farewell..." SMH at this one The more I look at the photo the angrier I get. At the end of the day she's famous, and makes money off her face (Cover Girl Cosmetics, music videos). Chris was obviously punching her with both fists in her face. The odd circular bruises? was she wearing a watch? maybe she was holding her hands up trying to protect her face. This is so sad.

Just when she redeemed herself with the Michelle Obama cover, Vogue editor was, according to Page Six, "overheard asking daughter Bee Schaffer, "Who is the singer that talks about kissing girls?" (That would be Katy Perry). Wintour then told William Rast founder Justin Timberlake that he and Perry should team up for something in an upcoming issue of Vogue, and also told Timberlake that his girlfriend, Jessica Biel, should stop by her office to discuss a future cover." Jessica Biel on Vogue. If that happens, we need to force Anna Wintour into retirement.

WICKED WHISPERS: Which burly TV actor lost his cool and almost strangled a crew member during filming? It took four people to break the scared staffer free. Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Will someone get Alec Baldwin some anger management courses.

She's not smiling, but Zahara Jolie Pitt doesn't have to smile, because she f*ckin' fabulous.

...because to me it's all about Zahara Jolie Pitt. But this picture of Shiloh was too sweet to pass up. She's a blond version of her mother. Too beautiful.

The tabloids were clearly confused this week. Chris Brown and Rihanna, or Brad and Angie, proven sellers or the latest celebrity scandal. So far it's a tie, if you count Angelina wanna be Octopussy.

WICKED WHISPER: Which F-list celeb had an abortion six months ago? We hear she's still not sure who the father was. Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Aubrey O'Day.

This is Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer at some airport proving that their love is real. If Jennifer doesn't get an acting coach quick, she's never going to win an Oscar.