I'm Moving to England
>> Monday, December 29, 2008
If you're looking for easy cash (and drunks), you need to move out to England. Seriously, something is going on over there, cause they're just giving it away. My favorite gold digger of 2008, Heather Mills is about to give up some of her hard earned cash. For someone so skilled in extricating it from people, I'm still trying to figure out how she could be so dumb. Or maybe she's just really cheap? Heather Mills is being sued by her former nanny for sex discrimination. According to the Daily Mail, Sara Trumble claims she was given duties way beyond her role as nanny to five-year-old Beatrice. She has complained she was asked to give Miss Mills naked spray tans, come to work at 7.30am to blow dry her hair, and work as late as midnight. Sara Trumble quit in frustration earlier this year. Heather is going to pay out her nose on this one. Unless her employment contract stated that she would be providing personal grooming services for Heather Mills, she's going to win this. But Heather is hardly one to listen to the voice of reason, and she's already planning to fight. If Paul McCartney asked the nanny to spray tan him naked, he'd be writing a check about now. So, Ms. Mills bank account is toast.
This is Paris Hilton showing us her sexy at some event she was paid to be at. We've all been a little too hard on Paris Hilton. Think about it. How has someone with so little come so far? No Beauty, No Brains, No Tits, No Ass AND HERPES, and this skank just bought herself a $200,000 car. Clearly I'm an underachiever.
So we all thought it might have been a 
I'm going through some serious gossip withdrawal. What is it about religious holidays that gives celebrities the idea that they deserve time off? How am I supposed to cope with this lack of new information? I may resort to reading People.com if something doesn't happen soon. I was surfing the Net desperately looking for something, anything when this vision of loveliness was downloaded before me. Several things popped through my mind when I saw this photo -after I got through the whole "Shock and Awe" phase, that is. 1. The one-piece swimsuit is severely underrated. Sometimes, no matter how thin you are, you really need to cover up. 2. The Big T-Shirt over the swimsuit is underrated too. For reasons, see #1. 3. Pray tell Donatella, what is the point of the Zinc Oxide on the lips? Why have you chosen to protect that skin, and abandoned everything else? 4. What's the point of getting breast implants if you're going to let the rest of your body whither away like that? Everything else is saggy and whithered. Why not have breasts that match?
This girl needs to stay away from the plastic surgeon. It's like Jessica Simpson has been cutting off her nose and adding it to her lips.
I bet that Paris Hilton spent an hour trying to undo her belt when she got home.
I'm squealing here. SQUEALING like a stuck pig. I thought I was over him. Done. Finito. I seriously questioned if I was going to be adding Babylon AD to my 'Vin Diesel DVD Collection' (I'm amazed that I'm able to write 'Vin Diesel DVD Collection' without tremendous shame). He was almost replaced by Gerard Butler. But then Gerard went and tasted the diseased flesh of Paris Hilton, and alas Gerard is no more. But then this piece of fabulousness came out. Look at that hot piece of bad ass flanked by a bunch of nobodies. Fast and the Furious "New Model. Original Parts." I heart Vin Diesel. Again.
So yesterday, while the world debated whether or not we liked Robert Pattinson’s new haircut, (loves it!) a bigger debate is raging on behind the scene s in Hollywood. Twilight is in trouble people. Big trouble. No, I could care less who directs the rest of these crappy-books-turned-crappy-movies (which I will see every single one, because I’m obsessive that way). If Harry Potter can change directors every year, so can Twilight. But the drama surrounds who will play my beloved Jacob. I am firmly on Team Jacob. Who the hell would pick a 100 year old dead guy, over a strapping young beast? Someone who has never had sex, that who. Wait ten years kids, and you’ll switch to team Jacob too! So the adorable young actor -Taylor Lautner, who played Jacob Black, might be recast, because the nitwits over at the studio don’t think he’s big enough or old enough looking to play the part now. This is why the production is in trouble. First, the cheap bastards at the studio put ‘My Taylor’ in a cheap ass wig for the first movie, and now they’re too cheap to hire a make-up artist to spray paint a fake beard on him for the second movie. What is this, a Canadian feature film? How comes they don’t have a budget? I thought Hollywood was flush? Here’s who should get the part: Whoever has the most Native American Blood that’s who. Take all these actors down to the local casino, and let’s pull out the family tree. Whichever one of these boys great grandmother was born on the reservation is Jacob Black. Why isn’t the National Association for Native People in on this? Is there a National Association for Native People. Somebody, ANYBODY, get on this please! And before you Twilight freaks start spewing, I know Taylor is part Native American. So we need to make sure he keeps the part! Plus he sooooo cute! (I'm going to ignore the fact he was born in 1992, and I remember 1992.)
I am a huge fan of the whole "Brad and Angie" marketing machine. I think they're brilliant at what they do. I'm not sure what they do, but they're great at it, none-the-less. So the caption for this photo reads: 'Committed: Brad Pitt surveys the homes he helped build in the Lower 9th Ward in New Orleans.' Now I know Brad and Angelina are better than the rest of us. Building homes for people, helping out refugees, taking in third world children. And as a black chick, I know that most of the displaced in New Orleans were people of colour (or 'color' as you Americans spell it) -so I love that he's helping my people out. BUT What in God's name did he put those people in? Little Pink Houses? Is this some John Mellencamp song? Who okayed this? When are the riots starting? Isn't Brad Pitt some sort of design/architecture junkie. Where the f*ck is the design? Where the f*ck is Architecture? Lord have mercy. Why the hell did Brad Pitt put a bunch of poor black folks in pink tents? Like the people of New Orleans haven't suffered enough. And why do tents need solar panels? And where are the windows? Don't black folks get windows? Somebody explain this to me. Please.
This monstrosity is Paris Hilton's new car. A $200,000 custom pink Bentley. I'm not even going to show a picture of Paris, as this car is enough visual punishment for one day. Doesn't it make you sick, that in this economy, this twat has enough disposable income to purchase a custom pink Bentley? Maybe my stepmother is right. The End of Times is coming.
So this is the first photo of Madonna and her own personal Jesus (he's way in the back where she likes to keep all her men). Let's ignore the fact that Madonna is wearing one of Nicole Richie's headbands -middle age makes you do stupid things sometimes. Let's just talk about Jesus. My gaydar is going off like crazy!!! Madonna is just milking this for press. Jesus is probably hitting the bald guy with the lipstick.
If Kabbalah is going to become the new Scientology, then they need to find better representatives. If Michael Jackson is a part of it, we all need to back the f*ck up. Word on the street is that Michael Jackson is dying. Why? Too much plastic surgery? Too crazy a lifestyle? Or God is punishing him for being too friendly with little boys, and stealing some white woman's children. Take your pick. I think Michael is faking his death. I think he's in the final stages of a sex change operation, and will soon reappear as a middle eastern woman.
Poor Samantha Ronson. I'd be hospitalized too if I had her life. So Samantha was hospitalized for "exhaustion", which happens when you work too hard DJing gigs around the world. Or take too much coke. Either way, she's fine now. So relieved. But it was the other Sam Ronson story that left me bug eyed this morning. People have the nerve to suggest that Samantha has been benefiting financially from her relationship with Lindsay Lohan. According to the NY Daily News Gatecrasher, "since dating the actress, the deejay’s fee per gig has jumped from around $1,500 to as much as $25,000, netting Ronson close to $3 million over the last year." Samantha only made 3 million dollars last year? People, for 3 million dollars I wouldn't even sniff Lindsay Lohan's cooch. For servicing firecrotch, Samantha Ronson is underpaid. Hasn't she heard about danger pay?
It seems like it was just yesterday that I was begging this white boy 
My stepmother is a born again Christian. Inevitably every visit to my father STARTS with the fact that I’m not saved. That I don’t go to church. And that when the end comes (and if you are not aware, it IS coming) I shall be joining the masses in the fires of hell. Oh joy. I remember a couple of years ago, Will Smith swore that he wasn’t a Scientologist because his grandmother would kill him. Clearly, Will Smith isn’t afraid of his grandmother. But if I’ve been interpreting my stepmother correctly, God is a vengeful, jealous God who punishes all who leave his flock. Will Smith, opened Seven Pounds this weekend to second place and $14 million. Normally Will Smith dramas don’t have as strong a box office as his action flicks but it was the reviews that shocked me. No one is questioning his acting talent, but his choice of roles. They are attacking Will Smith. Variety wrote: 
If you take a good look at these photos from Jennifer Aniston's appearance on David Letterman, you will notice that there is a 4 inch rough hem on the dress. It looks like they taped the hem to make the dress shorter, but failed to iron the seam.
So people actually thought this marriage would last? Jennifer Lopez covers US Magazine.
Maybe I'm just overexcited from all the Christmas candies at the office. It's not like Hollywood has a bad track record with child stars. And she is a Disney kid. I'm sure it will all end well. For the bloggers.
So for weeks, the British press has been upholding Guy Ritchie saying he was "only fighting for his boys." Sniff. What a gentleman.
LaineyGossip.com suggested last week that the John Mayer-Jennifer Aniston romance was in fact a ‘showmance’. And once again Lainey was right. Page Six is now reporting that after breaking up with John Mayer in the early fall, Aniston's camp was fearful that she would be promoting her new dog movie single -appearing desperate and lonely (still!), while Brad Pitt would be with Angelina and the six kids. A source is quoted as saying Aniston: "did not want to be single when her movie opened. A friend of her agent was calling around asking for young men whom they could set her up with." But the attempt to find a replacement for Mayer was aborted when he and Aniston soon got back together. That last bit is bullsh*t. I think we all remember that it quickly got out that Aniston's people were looking to set her up following the break-up with Mayer. I think they realized if she showed up with some new man, claiming to be in love, no one would buy it. They thought this reconciliation would somehow be more believable.
OMG! He found the Stash!!! Owen Wilson, Jennifer Aniston and yet another dog at the premiere for Marley and Me.
To some extent I must say, well played Jennifer. I've clearly underestimated this woman. I've been poking fun of the muppet faced beauty for a while now. Her foolish decision to play the "victim" following the break up of her marriage. Ms. Aniston posing in the nude (again) at 40. It’s suppose to be empowering. She looks great. Airbrushed to hell, but her body is in remarkable condition for a woman her age. There is a slight flaw in the Aniston-Steve Huvane publicity Mill. This is all she has. Jennifer as sexy, as opposed to Jennifer as sad, desperate and lonely –which seemed to be their previous public relations goal. Jennifer is supposed to be an inspiration to millions of woman in their late forties, childless (by choice or not) and single. Whatever bitch. Seriously, Jennifer Aniston is (almost) 40 years old, rich as hell and her physical beauty is her greatest asset? Her career is questionable. A couple hits in a sea of failure. And her hits have been opposite two bankable male comedians. And both times she played the girlfriend role –so Hollywood is not going to give her much credit. Since leaving Friends, the best thing going for her besides her wealth, is her body. Think about it. She’s had a $12,000 nose job (and possibly some work done on that chin), daily sessions with a personal trainer, a private chef, facials etc. The result is an amazing body and a so-so face – great hair though, but Greeks tend to have great hair. 
Here lies the flaw. If at 40, this was all I had, that seems pretty empty. I won’t even discuss going home to John Mayer. John is a talented guitar player, but there can be no pride for a celebrity of her level dating John Mayer. It’s the act of a desperate woman. Pure and simple. And don’t tell me she’s in “a great place”. If she were in a great place she would demand that reporters not question her on Angelina and Brad. Her people know this is the only thing the media and general public remember. She’s supposed to be promoting her films, and people will not pay good money to see her when they’ve spent their disposable income on US Weekly and OK Magazine. 
At the end of the day, her nakedness is another desperate act to stay relevant. Without Brad and Angelina, Jennifer Aniston is no longer interesting.
Yeah, not lovin' the 'stache. So not loving it. He now looks like a farmer from the depression era. Brad Pitt on the cover of Rolling Stone.
Did Sharon Stone get cut off from the Christian Dior beauty supply cabinet because of her China comments? What the hell happened to her face?
According to the Daily Mail, Victoria Beckham "cringes" when she sees pictures like the one above, with her crazy grapefruit boobies all up in the air. But it's not her fake breasts' fault. Now that Victoria Beckham is a designer (snicker) she knows "how a dress should sit. I've worn so many in the past and when I see the photographs I think, crikey, my boobs are up round my neck again, because the corsets are too short and not cut high enough'. So her breasts look ridiculous because of poorly cut designer clothing. Naturally her own fashion line will be not be creating those poorly designed dresses that the other fashion houses make. Thank God for Victoria Beckham Designs. Britain has the worst boob jobs on the planet. Now that Victoria lives in LA you'd think she'd get those things fixed. There are low rent strippers with better breast implants than this girl has.
NY Post’s Page Six Is reporting that Mariah Carey may be pregnant with Nick Cannon's baby, because she was “seen coming out of a well-known ob/gyn's office on North Crescent Boulevard, clutching what looked like a sonogram and being greeted by her entourage with cheers. She was ebullient." Apparently, it was the same type of paper that Minnie Driver was holding when she found out she was pregnant at the same doctor's office. I guess these stars have all that money, and can't afford a handbag. So clearly this is the doctor celebs go to when they want to leak that they are pregnant. Is this guy treating them for free? Why would Mariah, a New Yorker, travel all the way out to LA to get a sonogram? Oh, she has a new single out…
