One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice Toothy Tile, doll-hon, you’ve met your homo match. ‘Cause there’s a new rising, closeted star in town (actually, he’s been rising for, like, ages now, but, whatev) who’s putting your clandestine, closeted—not to mention kinky!—ways to shame. Maybe you know him? Name’s Crotch Uh-Lastic. Ring a bell, babe? Thought so. Now, keep in mind, Toothy and Crotch have never made a flick together, though they do both go in for the same roles rather often. Similar brooding thing going on. You know, that tough yet tangible, touchable, almost boyish loveliness, a little crusty on the sides, too. Know the type? Oh who cares about actor oeuvre, let’s get to the dirty part and oozing sex outta control, my little horn-hons! So Crotch, like a lot of his hetero counterparts in this Biz, is all wrapped up in fantasy. Whereas Toothy likes it dangerous and out in the open—Hollywood parking lots, anybody?—Crotch prefers his assignations played out as if they were the plots of one of his artier flicks (he's had plenty). This is how the boy likes it: He chooses a stud, latest one being a straight—wink, wink, right—trainer who’s busy trying to get a modeling/acting/smoldering-look career going and asks him to come over to the Hollywood pad. Mr. U.-L. has an East Coast home, too, but the pool in his Hollywood hang is so much fun for game playing. The man-meat Crotch has selected is told, beforehand, to await his limo ride to the Hell-Ay house and, once he arrives, to head straight to the pool area, adorned with chaise lounges. On these tastefully tufted settees, like little lost Saks Fifth Avenue summer catalog lovelies, lay various box-cut (never Speedo, how Matthew McConaughey!) swim trunks. Silently, oh so discreetly, the stud-for-hire is then told to take off all his clothes and put on any of the suits he likes, at which point Crotch struts out and the inevitable seduction, complete with end-of-the-show water works, begin. And Crotch can only get the ol’ equipment up and hosing, I’m told, if said scenario is pursued. How damn exhausting. Whatever happened to a little sweat, not too much intrigue and even fewer props? Is that so old-fashioned? For Crotch, the answer would be yes. And it ain't Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, or Matthew McConaughey Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess:

Unpaid Bills You’d think they’d be liquid, you know? Flush from the funds of so many different projects, across so many different mediums, by so many different sources. But that’s the thing with celebrities. They’re richer than we are, to be sure, but some of them really aren’t THAT rich, especially when you factor in the lifestyle. Being not that rich isn’t a problem. Being not that rich and not paying your bills is a big problem. Being not that rich, not paying your bills, but still spending your balls off is a huge problem.So they have projects around the house. Some construction here, some wiring there, installations, renovations...it never stops. It never stops because they keep having to hire new people. Inevitably the invoice will arrive, they won’t be able to pay it, so they end up calling someone else to finish the job. They don’t pay those people either.How f&cking ghetto, non???Like people who keep taking out credit card after credit card? Only these assholes are wealthy! They have jobs! They earn celebrity salaries! Which means they’re too stupid to manage their finances and too cheap to figure out their finances before satisfying their non-urgent, vanity-motivated projects at the expense, literally, of labourers and small business owners who trusted the wrong millionaires. Slowly but surely, they’ve pretty much exhausted the entire contracting community in town, verging on blacklist, and are now several hundred thousand dollars in the hole to several companies in Hollywood. Word is they’re facing legal action, and even a lien on their property...Probably the reason behind the new round of exploitation. They need the cash.But do we still care? A few years ago, before everyone and their eyebrow stylist had a reality show, it was a novel concept. Now? Now they’re totally almost irrelevant – the proof in that lies in a deal one of them tried to strike with the paps recently. She needed cash so badly, she arranged for some “candids” in exchange for a few quid. Unfortunately her images weren’t selling and the photographers cut her off.Shame! Word is, even Phoebe Price out-earns her... In this economy, how will they ever recover? Source Update: Not Tori Spelling and what's-his-name, not JLo and Marc. Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Entertainment Lawyer over at CrazyDays& Nights did a similar blind a few weeks ago. I still think it's Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. Wouldn't it be funny if it were Tom Cruise and Katie? Maybe 'funny' is not the right word.

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BLIND ITEM: "FEMALE SINGERS & THEIR RAPPER/DOPE BOYZ" Presently, there are two black female singers involved with rappers who lead a double life as dope boys to supplement their income. Due to peer pressure and the love of the bling-bling lifestyle. These less than moderate rappers have to keep up with the jones's at any cost. They have to create an illusion of wealth of they feel insignificant or invisible. One of the black female singers is like a crutch to her non-talent rapper because he supplies her with free drugs. She probably wouldn't look at him twice if not for this perk. The other female singer doesn't give a damn what her rapper/dope boy does as long as he brings in the money so they can continue to front with materialistic objects such as designer bags, expensive bling and expensive whips. Both rapper/dope boys cheat on their women with a bevy of groupies and legions of video girls. Who are these two couples? Source: Panache Report Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: I'm going to have to co-sign with all the posters on the Panache Report Blog, and go with Monica and her fiance Rocko and former American Idol winner Fantasia and whoever her boyfriend is.

Dina Lohan must be so proud.

WHICH formerly wealthy Greenwich, Conn., gent, a victim of the economic malaise, saw the horse he bought for one of his kids get repossessed? When the red-faced dad threatened to call the cops, the repo man said, "Go ahead. It's our horse." . . . WHICH businessman is hiding his past as a pornographer now that his kids are being teased by private-school classmates? The ex-sleaze purveyor hired a team of hackers to flood the 'Net with bogus posts, so now the porno is buried under layers of fluff.

Two weeks ago, Britney Spears gave up primary custody of her kids and showed up at an event looking like this:Yesterday, Britney was snapped in Cabo, Mexico,My mother always said us kids were the death of her. When I finally squeeze out a few, those parasites are being shipped off real quick.

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Which mega-actor sends members of his entourage to club doormen looking for blow? Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: mega actor? I'm going for Leonardo DiCaprio or someone from Transformers, Shia would be my first guess, but I'll wait for his blood tests to come back.

Which newly minted chick-lit authoress needs to keep her extracurricular activities under better wraps? She was spotted desperately wiping her nose and clicking her jaw during a daytime bash out in the Hamptons last weekend and made no secret of the fact that she was flying high as a kite. Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: ???

Not So Blind Item What TV actress is having an affair with her co-star's husband???? So catty! Source Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: No clue. This is a little too blind for me.

Here's the cover of Jessica Simpson's new country album entitled "do you know". Do I know what? I know a lot of things bitch. I know you're missing a "?". I know that Jessica's sultry/serious pose on the cover makes her look mildly challenged. I know that I won't be buying this piece of crap.

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Not So Blind Item What actress was just dropped by her agent because she has a drug and alcohol problem and refuses to get help????? Here's a hint: Her shady husband might have something to do with her problem! Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Brittany Murphy

One Fruit-of-the-Doom Blind Vice OK, was going to do the Blind Vice story on the Academy Award-friendly actress who thinks her cats can read, which is why she has their names written on their separate litter boxes, but that tale simply pales in comparison to Toothy Tile, who’s back and gayer than, like, ever! Dude’s losin’ his recent, overly prissy, shy shit and gettin’ his non-Nellie nerve back on (much to everyone’s surprise, just not mine). See, ol’ Tooth, our fave partner in sex-in-public crime is being just as brazen, only with words, not his crotch. The pretty boy (man, on occasion) is gleefully telling more than a few gossipy girls—which means boys, natch, in highly exaggerated fagola speak, but then, I’m sure you already knew that, hon-cakes—that he’s quite aware the hunt for his identity is on. And has been for sometime. Says he enjoys it, even. Who wouldn’t, really? Especially if you’re dead certain your identity will never be revealed. Yep, that’s right. T2 says he’s havin’ such a fab gay ol’ experience of it all because he’s “sure,” as it’s been relayed to this columnist, that the true identity of Mr. Tile will never, ever be discussed by yours truly. Oh, really? Is that so? Just don’t count on it, bud. What with the myriad lies to the public (I mean, really, you’re as bad about your true sexual persuasion as Cathy Douglas is with her age), you're on thin vice, babe, so watch it. And it Ain't: Matthew Broderick, Ricky Martin or Wentworth Miller Source Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Here's my opinion. Toothy Tile doesn't exist. I know it's supposed to by Jake Gyllenhaal. But I think Ted made this sh*t up a couple of years ago, it caught on, and he brings it up whenever his traffic starts to slide. Because if you've been following gossip as long as I have, you'll know back in the day people like Ted, Janet Charlton, the late Claudia Cohen and others ruled this game. Then came the new generation Perez, Lainey, etal. Since Ted has complained numerous times that all of his stories have to go through E! legal department, his blinds are all he has. So unless Ted says who Toothy is, I'm going to believe he doesn't exist.

Bad Haired and Bug-Eyed Which actor has been much too egotistical and much too energetic on press tour recently? Let’s start with the ego first:He’s not exactly Brad Pitt or the GMD on fame terms and still he travels with a crazy security team and insists on sweeping every location before he will enter. Who the f&ck are you??? Even his own management is snickering at his grossly exaggerated sense of entitlement – hit movies don’t necessarily equate to international superstardom, and while his box office might be lucrative, his celebrity status is decidedly modest.Still…he insists on super stealth, secret service style maneuvers, and has hilariously mandated that while in public he be referred to by “code name” only. It becomes even funnier when the newly single megalomaniac happens upon an attractive woman. The woman is hustled through stairwells and hallways before their tryst – a procedure so elaborate that last week, his chosen partner for the evening ended up so rattled by the time she arrived at his room, she was no longer in the mood to participate.And his paranoia is getting worse. It started out as a quirk - several weeks ago he was enthusiastic and perhaps a little particular, but not a paranoid freak. A little blow here and there for extra energy though has become more of a habit and he is getting CRANKED at work. To the point where more than a few journalists have remarked about his over-animated behaviour, as a timid reporter from Asia was frightened and confused during an interview when he became angry at her for refusing to sing karaoke with him. Sorry…I’m a bitch. I had to laugh about that. Be thankful, dude, for a good publicity team. And for the fact that at the end of the day, it’s really only you. Source Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: The title gives it away, "bad haired and bug-eyed"= Brandon Fraiser.

Not So Blind Item What teenage daughter of a superstar couple is living life as a transgender boy???? Now going by the name Stephen, the teen's parents pulled him out of the prestigious Buckley School in Los Angeles and are having him home-schooled to keep him out of the public eye. Source Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Holy f*ck! This has got to be Perez Hilton's best blind yet. Isabella Cruise is already home schooled, and I don't think Scientologists do gay/lesbian or transgendered -which might be problematic for her in the future anyways. I'm stumped. Anyone know this one?! How about Bruce and Demi's middle daughter? Scout?

Gweneth Paltrow, Madonna, Apple and David. Why does the Black kid have to ride with the luggage? Mariah Carey visited MTV yesterday. She doesn't actually PAY her stylist does she? After widespread skepticism, instead of envy over her thinness, Nicole Kidman adds a padded bra to her post-baby wardrobe. Here's Russell Simmons and Aretha Franklin at his charity event over the weekend. She needs better people.

This rock star claims to be many things - he says he's a devout Christian, a vegan, and a complete teetotaler - no alcohol, no drugs. But he does have a weakness for pretty woman. One of his former pretty women says he's a BIG FAKE. She claims that not only does he eat meat and NOT live by Christian values, but he's a hardcore pill-popper and a member of Narcotics Anonymous. His current girlfriend isn't complaining - she's a cokehead and compulsive liar herself. Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Moby

Which reality TV has-been can't even go to paid appearances anymore? His manager is too worried about how trashed he gets when he's on the payroll. GossipWrap-Up! Guess: Andy Dick

Matthew McConaughey and girlfriend Camilla Alves show off little Levi on the cover of OK! Magazine. Is it me or did they lighten Camilla's skin tone?

My favorite Golden Girl is gone. Estelly Getty, who played Sophia on the hit NBC show Golden Girls, passed away this morning at her home in Los Angeles surrounded by her friends and family. She was 84. Estelle suffered from Lewy Body Dementia.

Which newly married diva recently went bananas after reading flirty text messages from her new hubby's ex on his BlackBerry? She locked him out of their (her) house for two nights. Memo to ladies everywhere: If you don't want to know, don't start snooping. Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon

I'd make fun of Katie Price, but she may be legally blind or mentally challenged, either way her "staff" is clearly f*cking with her. Unless Nicole Kidman had a double mastectomy, along with a postpartum tummy tuck, I no longer believe she gave birth to a kid. Help me out here people. Do they charge extra to spray tan your feet?

The Gossip Wrap-Up! is under construction.

Commitment Crisis? They were supposed to have kicked their bad habit together. A partnership in blow became a commitment effort to get clean. And for a while they were successful. But he was the weaker one. And he’s been using again for a while. The problem, one of many obviously, is that when he’s cranked, he’s also very aggressive. Some say he’s mixing his powder with some muscle juice and the coke/steroid combination brings out the roughneck which has presented many challenges for his publicist. Fortunately his publicist is almost as clever as Jessica Biel’s. Was able to turn spin a recent skirmish into an heroic rescue. The truth is, he was so jacked up on the good stuff he had to take it out on someone else’s head. As for his wife...well she has a boyfriend. His name is Jesus. With her new devoutness has come an almost unbearable sanctimony, not to mention intolerance – for his lifestyle, for his binges – so much so that they are finding it increasingly difficult to be together, though like the Beckhams, they are a brand too. One big happy family...fraud! Source Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: "roughneck" had me thinking country. So I'm going for Tim McGraw and Faith Hill.

One Desperate-Diva Blind Vice It’s amazing I don’t write these more often, the clinging-onto-celeb-life-with-all-the-surgeried-muscle-they-can-muster brand o’ Blind Vices. Could it be they hit too close to home for this fortysomething columnist who wonders if he should start embarking on all the plastic-puss opportunities available in this über-vain town? Nah, not today, at least. But do take Sheila Muff-Driver, an attractive enough gal who plans on selling her fading sexuality until she drops and who hasn't shied away from all that docs can do for her, trust. ‘Course, not that long ago, Sheila-love was the hoochie-coochie toast of T-town, and I don’t mean just for being a superscrumptious babe, but for her great beauty and arguable talent, too. The Academy Awards even gave her notable recognition at one time, but alas, that was back when SMD had a modicum of professionalism to offer her colleagues, as opposed to the perk-filled, ridiculously absurd existence Sheila's life has now become. She goes through assistants faster than Botox needles. She fires reps of all sorts (managers, agents, etc.) who were just trying to do her a charitable favor in the first place—as Ms. Muff-Driver did, at one time, have such promise. And she still could, mind you, if she’d just stop injecting her body with every fountain-of-youth concoction out there and let what’s left of her face just be. So, you know, she could move it, utilize it and such, as actors are wont to do. But instead, all Sheila gets today are offers to do benefits and interviews about her once-golden career. And it was one occasion for the latter—in a documentary being put together by an established director who could ostensibly help reenergize Ms. M.-D.’s career—in which Sheila was set to be prominently featured. Although, true to deranged spoiled form, when the producer rang up to finalize the schedule, Sheila barked back: “You know, I don’t get out of bed for less than $40,000 a day.” Sheila’s still under the covers, by the by, her latest opportunity at anything close to a comeback having been quashed, yet again, by herself. Maybe next time this happens, just go and shoot the bitch in her bed? Just a thought. Would be fitting on so many levels. And it Ain't: Blythe Danner, Whitney Houston or Diahann Carole Source Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: I'm thinking either Sharon Stone or Faye Dunaway. But throwing in two black women in the ain't has thrown me to be honest. Update August 5, 2008: Blind Item Reveal Faye Dunaway

BLIND ITEM: "BALLER ALERT" Myra wrote: This black female actress is hungrily taking any part thrown her way, even if the script is garbage. She no longer has standards because she desperately needs the money. She's running out of money, partly, due to traveling all of the country to attend industry events, trying to snag a baller with no success. She spends a fortune on designer dresses, beautiful jewelry, and high-end shoes but she always leaves empty handed despite being attractive. She is now on an all-out "baller alert."In her mind, only a high paid baller can keep her in the lifestyle she has become accustomed to, either that, or lose what she already has. Source Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: Gabrielle Union

Here is Jessica Alba on the cover of OK! Magazine. Even after they paid Jessica $1.5 million dollars to take the pictures, she still couldn't crack a smile. Honor Marie Warren is too cute though.

There's a fine line between Metrosexual and Homosexual. A very fine line. A very, very fine line. And it's a line I suspect a lot of Metro's have crossed.

Here's Joey Lawrence, his wife and their child. This is Joey Lawrence's version of 'Metrosexual'. This is why I don't do metrosexual. Even with the kid, proof of some sort of hetero behaviour, it doesn't work for me. Nope. No thanks. Do not pass go, 'cause honey there ain't $200.

God knows I love them bald. Bald and Straight. Bald and Maybe. Even Bald and Gay. But not Bald and this. Never bald and this.

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Victoria Beckham on the cover of August 2008 Allure Magazine. Obviously photo-shopped to death, 'cause the bitch looks good!

Which cocaine-loving actress is said to be relying on her closeted husband to meet guys? A source says that when they were at a party recently, the hubby asked a fellow guest, "Do you want to bleep my wife? Because you can.” Gossip Wrap-Up! Guess: ???

I know this photo should be all about Naomi Campbell doing great work holding a baby in Africa. But her hair stylist is just gluing that weave on the front of her head now. Girlfriend makes millions modelling designer clothes, yet she still walks around looking like some project chick. Bitch must be far sighted or something, 'cause surely she would of attacked her hair dresser by now?

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It takes a special kind of girl to look so tacky, so consistently. Jessica Simpson is just that girl. Here's Jessica out over the weekend with Tony Romo. I think Tony's the type of guy who likes it when his woman dresses like a whore. Nice to see she's putting it all out there for him.

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BLIND ITEM: "TYRANT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS" Myra wrote: This man may have the most successful "manufactured image," in history. In his field, he is a superstar but at home, he's a controlling tyrant with his wife behind closed doors. His wife thought she landed the ultimate catch but now she's having doubts. She's not allowed to have friends and he has successfully separated her from her family. She is surrounded in the lap of luxury but she leads a very lonely existence. If this isn't enough, when he's out of town, if he isn't checking on her whereabouts, he has a rep hired just for this purpose. When his wife thinks he's away from home due to career, he can often be found entertaining a legion of women in high rise penthouses or exclusive brothels across the country that cater to celebrities, only. He's also known on the overseas escort circuit as having a very large appetite for group sex with an array of women. And, he's rumored to be very endowed and insatiable with unbelievable staying power. When he's not trying out a variety of women in the sex industry, he has a main call girl (on-call) 24/7 at $1 million dollars per year. She has to be ready to travel on a moment's notice and he told her to drop her other clients. Hint: It's not R. Kelly Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Tiger Woods

People like this cheese? Have mercy. The only thing I like about this video was that she's playing in garages now. Kinda befitting her career.

She's curiously skinny in this clip too.

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Which pervy cad about town has yet another weird penchant ... for edible underwear? He makes all of his ladies wear a specially made licorice thong that he likes to slowly chew off of them. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: John Mayer

Hmmmm, I think the boys are getting screwed in this family. According to US Weekly, but not confirmed by the Pitt Jolie spokeswoman, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave birth to twins on Saturday. Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline were born in the evening of July 12.

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First Tom Cruise as Lestat and now this. I was sold on the Stephanie Myers Twilight series by Lainey Gossip. I usually buy anything Lainey is selling and this time she sold me crap (but since her blog is the one of best on the Internet, I forgive). Hollywood is turning Twilight into a movie and Entertainment Weekly has put the "Isabella" and "Edward" on their cover. Edward is played by Robert Pattinson (Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter Franchise). Robert as Edward. No thank you. Wasn't Edward supposed to be 'beautiful'? Since when is pasty with a bad wig, beautiful? Actually the entire cast is pretty average looking. But maybe it's just me; I am hardly the studios target market. Hell, I still think the Jonas Brothers look mighty suspect. Team Jacob BTW.

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I'm getting tired of raging on Jessica Simpson, but this girl makes it too easy. Can she do nothing right? And don't tell me her new Cuntry & Western single is the shiznits, they really have to stop selling that moonshine in the trailer parks. sigh. Anyway here is Jessica and her man-bitch Tony "dating" or in Jessica's world promoting something. Actually it was an "Early Birthday Celebration" -nice of them to let the press know. Now the question of the day is: What in the f*ckery are these two wearing? Followed very closely by: What dollar store rack did she pull that dress off of? I know some of you have at least one piece of her "fashion line" somewhere in your closet. Go ahead and kill yourself now.

WHICH autocratic fashion designer dropped out of sight for several months last year after a face-lift went wrong? The surgeon cut a nerve in his neck, and he needed rehabilitation to move his face properly . . . Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Karl Langerfeld or Christian Dior Designer John Galliano? WHICH anchorwoman has been spending some time at the studio after hours? The leggy blonde is logging overtime with her producer . . . Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Leggy Blonde? no clue WHICH European princess managed to keep her breast cancer secret many years ago? The brave beauty lost all her hair from chemotherapy but blamed her baldness on alopecia. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Princess Caroline

Here's Jennifer Aniston in Toronto for the the John Mayer Concert. Her nose almost looks button-like. They need to erect a statue in honor of her plastic surgeon, the guy is obviously a miracle worker.

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But I'm blaming the wife. Tom Cruise has really gone down hill since hooking up with Katie Holmes.

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I would like to think that after a 21 day vegan detox, I would of lost a little weight. A hefty looking Oprah, Gayle and Tyler Perry touring Italy. Further proof Canada is full of Trailer Parks and White Trash. Pamela Anderson and friend at her 41st B-Day party in Vegas. Jay Z is only smiling because he didn't have access to a full length mirror. (Those Nike are sick though).

This is Lindsay Lohan at her 22nd birthday party celebration with girlfriend Sam Ronson at Teddy's in Los Angeles Wednesday night. Is it me, or does Lindsay look like she's using again?

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So they held a press conference to tell us that the babies weren't due for weeks. A press conference to tell us that Angelina Jolie is still pregnant?! Got to love how Brad and Angelina don't do anything half-ass.

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Amy Winehouse performing at the Glastonbury Festival. I have immense pity for her "beauty" team. Seriously, the chick who spray tans her must take a bleach bath when she done. And the make-up girl....everything would have to be destroyed. Certain sh*t must not every be shared. David Beckham, this doesn't look promising. Jessica, I'm going to give you some advice that I wish someone had given me 10 years ago. FOOD IS NOT LOVE! Poor thing. I feel her pain.

BLIND ITEM: "IMPOTENT RAP FIGURE" This bi-polar acting rap figure may be lashing out at everybody because his constant drug use has made him impotent.He's violent, unpredictable and goes in unprovoked rages. His significant other is very scared of him and often locks herself in a room to avoid his temper tantrums.It's not uncommon for him to put a beatdown on a woman at the drop of a dime.He's a big mess and is currently undergoing a meltdown. The drugs have him paranoid and jumpy. Escorts consider him an easy trick because he can't perform but in the past, he always tried to blame the girl, saying, "you're not sexy enough." But, he finally came to the conclusion, it's not them because it keeps happening, regardless of the girl. Source Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: DMX