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Sorry about the lack of posts this week. Been out of commission for ‘a minute’, but clearly I didn’t miss much. The wonder twins, so brilliantly dubbed by LaineyGossip have yet to arrive. The net was all a twitter after Entertainment Tonight falsely announced their arrival –only people without internet must watch those entertainment magazine shows. But their MILF is coverin’ Vanity Fair in a throw back photo. It’s the eighties all over again –definitely not my favourite Angelina Jolie cover, but pregnancy looks good on her.

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One Air-Sick Blind Vice Morgan Mayhem is up to her old tricks. Well, I guess they can't really be considered old if she never stopped doing them? Ms. May has a load of talents, but her best (and most often used) one is alienating her amigos. One of the buds she's burned as of late is the brother of one of her former flames, Dare to Do Me, the cute eye candy from a band still pretty popular on the charts. M2 is still psycho for the rocker she's shared several rendezvous romps with in the past, but D.D.'s moved on to focus on his music, good boy. Morg still keeps Dare's bro around, prolly as a resource if the fella ever wants to play with this par-tick groupie again. Morgy is prone to wrestling up some wacky stuff to put her so-called friends through. She'll call the dreamy Do Me's brother up on a random weekday, claming she just bought them both plane tickets to Europe for that very day. If that wasn't spontaneous and silly enough, Do Me 2 will pick May-babe up and drive her to the airport, only to find out there's no ticket for him. Girl just straight up lies. Can you imagine that in Los Angeles? Oh, you shouldn't treat pals like that, M2, especially when they're related to amours you may want to snag back once you're finished with your current, more curious, conquests. But listen up: Maybe it's not all drugs, dudes and rock 'n' roll with Mayhem, after all. Close buds swears Morgan's got a bona fide mental disorder that would explain her notorious behavior. It ain't chemicals or drink that's driving this doll up the walls—just like Britney's problemos were more brain-centered than everyone first thought. For real: Morgan insists there exists, somewhere in ultraluxurious, née looney, la-la land, a special private jet that takes celebs from L.A. to London in one hour. Swears. Jeez, why isn't somebody helping this broad? She's screaming for aid, really. Nobody's listening. And it's not Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore or Scarlett Johansson. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: the return of "Morgan Mayham" aka Lindsay Lohan.

Let’s face it. We live in the age of the fame whore. People with no discernable talent, famous for absolutely nothing. It all began because some clever television network executive figured out that Reality Shows were cheaper to produce than scripted television. And faster than a pharmacist can dispense Paris Hilton’s Valtrax, we’ve been giving swag and press to a bunch of relative unknowns whose only talent is that they amused us for about 12 episodes. So who could blame Denise Richards and Dina Lohan for prostituting themselves on television? (Me thinks it’s a career both have known intimately in the past). Fame is addictive. And since Hollywood is just like High School, everyone wants to sit at the cool table. Even more so if you’ve been privileged to sit at it before. Yet somehow their plan is backfiring so far. Neither of these women seems particularly likable. Both are somewhat attractive in that ‘I’ve been to a plastic surgeon at least twice sort of way.’ And both are claiming they are just hard working moms trying to make a living for the kids (or off of their kids in Dina Lohan’s case). I bet these two jokes are shocked by the amount negative press. I’m sure Dina saw most of it coming, but this woman is counting on making Ali Lohan a star, and she does seem selfless enough to sacrifice her good name for the sake of future revenue streams. I still don’t see how she’s going to pull it off though. Ali hardly seems likable. And in terms of beauty, Miley Cyrus is Supermodel material in comparison to Ali Lohan. Yet this kid is cutting an album. And she has been given film roles. So like Rumer “fugly” Willis, I don’t think we can count Lindsay Lohan’s Less Attractive sister out just yet. Denise Richards on the other hand is entirely different ball of wax. Denise who probably does her best work on her back (or knees), is stupid enough to think that ‘if people just see the real me, they’ll like me.’ The only problem is that we’ve been seeing the real Denise for years, and we already don’t like her. She’s one of those pretty girls and dumb girls who think they are pretty and smart. She has no clue the pickle she’s got herself into. But Denise, if you can’t win a P.R. war against Charlie “I still f*ck prostitutes” Sheen, just how low is your Q rating? And don’t tell me it was the Ritchie Sambora relationship. We women could care less. Half the world thinks Angelina broke up Malibu Ken and Barbie and we still can’t get enough of her. It’s one thing to want fame and celebrity. But in this day and age, if you can’t get it without whoring out the kids in front of the camera, I don’t think you don’t deserve it. Can someone please throw these two bitches to the back of the Z-list line so we can stop talking about them? Angelina’s about to have a baby and we need to get ready.

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JUST ASKING WHICH television correspondent got her job the old-fashioned way? After she bedded her boss at her former network, she became very close with the married news head of her current network. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: No clue.

Late Night Prowling Recently reunited with his long time lover, this celebrated actor is supposed to be taking his new role seriously … which is why perhaps why he has spent several late nights hitting up the decadent continental club scene, rolling in at no earlier than 3am and staying til sun up. Three times in the last 5 days. And there’s nothing wrong with that…only on 2 of those nights he hasn’t left alone. They are leggy and orange and immediately replaceable. Would certainly go against the recommitment but then again, maybe that’s how the recommitment was arranged. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Sean Penn?

A stunning Angelina and a tired looking Brad went out to dinner with Clint Eastwood and Mick Jagger in Cannes.

This photo has reaffirmed my decision not to renew my Bally's gym membership. Britney, those people did the same thing to me. The British family finally added some foreign blood to the clan -a Canadian! Good thing...

Unfortunately, the next royal couplings will continue the reign of uglies that has taken over the British Royal family. Diana's grandchildren will be ugly-ass.

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Which new-mama publicist has named her bundle of joy after a certain D-list "celebrity" she has been crushing on for years, much to the embarrassment of her baby daddy? Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: No clue. Which celebrity starlet are magazines desperately trying to get to come out on their pages? Editors say they are willing to pay big bucks for the first interview. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Lindsay Lohan?

Photo Negotiation She says she is free and fabulous, embarking on a new chapter in her life, and recently went in for a little touch-me-up in the chest area. Some changes leave things super saggy and the sagging never stops. Which is why she opens up the scar between her tits once a year – a scar that is visible in person but oddly enough, never in photographs. What she does, you see, is she barters with the paps. She wheels and deals and offers to give it up for them if they go home and click away her breast scabs. So they shake on it and she does something outrageous to guarantee they sell her pictures with what looks like baby’s skin on her chest, and everybody’s happy. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Pamela Anderson -but why aren't they touching up her face? Protecting oneself against bad pictures is one thing…but what about arranging bad pictures for your enemy? There’s another celebrity who not only works with the paps to pimp out herself, she also works with them to make sure those she detests are not only photographed badly but also touched DOWN to look especially horrid. She’ll either give up exclusive tips or exclusive shots on herself in exchange for a photographic smear job on those she hates. Like doctoring images to reveal unflattering body parts, receding hairlines, pimples, and especially fat. The paparazzi aren’t the real scum… Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Sounds like Paris Hilton (but her photos aren't very valuable anymore). But unflattering body parts sounds like Micha; receding hairlines -Nicole Ritchie; pimples and fat -Britney and Lindsay.

Which young actress may be a little too much like her TV character? At a wrap party for her show, the tween got totaled at the bar and had to crawl into a waiting taxi. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Taylor Momsen of Gossip Girl. I seriously can't wait for Ugly Betty to start shooting in NYC, because it seems like every blind out of the New York rags are about this show.

Which star of an upcoming blockbuster flick is a huge cad despite his image as a family man? Word is the actor is getting a little too touchy-feely with the ladies. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Harrison Ford?

This photo has to be doctored. This is not the body of woman who's been going to the gym everyday. Antipsychotic meds cause bloating, but this doesn't look like bloating. Who planted that seed anyways? JesusJosephandMary, it's the end of days.

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Beyonce and Jay Z have been married for a minute and Beyonce (pregnant or not) is already morphing into her mother. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Beyonce is a fat girl in a skinny girl's body. And everyone knows, when a fat girl and a skinny girl scrap -the fat bitch always wins. Good luck Hova.

This singer is fortunate in many ways but she always seems to be unlucky in love and WE know the reason why. She's an easy touch. Over and over again, she makes dumb choices and picks the wrong man. She dumped her husband when she found out he was GAY, and -duh- recently she kicked out her boyfriend for the same reason! The two exes got together and compared notes the other night and they had a few laughs at her expense. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: No clue. Some folks are saying Liza. But if it's Liza why is this a blind?

Which young star - who plays gay on his hot TV show - has a taste for significantly older women? Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Connor Paolo of Gossip Girl?

So Suge Knight got his ass knocked-to-hell-out at a club last night.... ...SMH... ...who's taking bets that the guy who did this will be shot to death by Friday? Matilda looks exactly like her father Heath Ledger. Oddly, that's not a good thing.

I'm starting to hope that Amy Winehouse just 'doesn't photograph well'. So this is what 16 and pregnant looks like in the Spears home.

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Numerous rappers make the trek to Las Vegas in March each year to attend the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards. This is the X-rated version of the Oscars televised on Showtime television. Tickets sell out in hours. Mainstream press usually reports the rappers in attendance but a lot of rappers go unnoticed. The particular rapper and his crew descend on the Adult Expo and the awards show each year via private jet. They flash a lot of money and bling. They hit the strip with a vengeance by checking out all the top strip clubs and casinos. They love to make it rain. The leader of the pack has been suspected of murdering at least two men, but the authorities lack evidence for an arrest. The crew rents a penthouse, supplies it with liquor (Dom, Cristal) and drugs: meth, cocaine and ecstasy. They also pay "up and coming" female adult stars to attend. After a midnight BBQ the party usually turns into an all night orgy with everyone stripping off their clothes. Rated X movies are also screened, usually girl/girl with rappers gathering around to watch. The leader usually pays a big adult star top dollar to strut around the party with him and to have sex with him. He hooks this up a day earlier when he attends the expo, while a particular star is signing autographs, she is offered a dollar amount by one of his reps, the women usually accept once a dollar figure is agreed upon. According to sources, this crew is seriously fronting and very overextended. At last year's after party, the "leader of the pack" slept with a white adult actress who-reportedly "now" has a serious STD, according to industry insiders. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Fat Joe and the Terror Squad #2: According to Terrance Dean, his friend Sandy was working on a new movie that had major stars in it. The lead was "Lucas," who is a black megastar. No matter what film project he was attached to it was bound to be a box office smash. In Hollywood, he is considered a golden boy and very bankable. However, there were already many rumors swirling about his sexuality and even though he is married, it was hard for him to shake those pesky gay rumors. "You're not going to believe this," Sandy said when I called her. "What's going on?" "Well, the crew is taking bets on Lucas. "What type of bets?" "Since we've been filming, his boy 'Kareem' comes by every day and they go into the trailer." "So what?" I said. "No, Kareem comes by and they are up in the trailer doing their thing." Kareem is a leading sitcom actor, married to an actress. They both have appeared in movies but Lucas in the breakout sensation. His boy Kareem, however, found success in television as a leading actor. The crew's bet was based on how often Lucas "boyfriend" would show up and how long he would stay. It was like clockwork; Kareem arrived each day at the same time and went straight to the trailer for hours on end. The bets grew larger and larger. When I moved to Los Angeles and got into the DL world, our clique Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: I'M STILL NOT BUYING IT. I think people are re-wording Lainey's blinds and pitching them as new gossip. Men on the down-lo do not do their business at work. And not on a film set where they know there are no secrets. But clearly this is Will Smith and somebody... I'm going to have to post a YouTube video of me crying: "Leave Will Smith Aloooooneeeee!!!!!

Which executive producer and creator of two hit TV comedy series doesn't do his own work? Laments one insider: "He's content to sit back and let everyone do the writing for him when they're supposed to be his shows." Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Lorne Michaels of Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock. But if he's the Executive Producer and creator he doesn't have to write, just hire people to do it.

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Which music-producing superstar recently had his nether regions pierced in hopes of increasing his, you know, sensation? Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Timberland?? Which formerly awesome Major League pitcher can the blame loss of shoulder strength on years of smoking pot and one drug-addled incident where he had to carry a passed-out date up three flights of stairs? His fastball hasn't been the same since. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Roger has been blamed for everything else lately, so ...Roger Clemens.

I still ain't buying it, but damn, marriage looks good on Mariah. Nick, not so much. At what point do the folks in the Jackson family realize that plastic surgery is not working for them?

We need a mass execution for this one. Photographers, Stylists, Make-Up Artists, Parents and the owners of the company. There is NOTHING cute or funny about this ad campaign. Dressing up little girls to look like adults isn't cute when pedophiles do it, and it's even worst when its done by two women trying to make a buck. We need a boycott.

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Can someone, ANYONE tell me what the f&ck Nicole Ritchie does that warrants all this publicity? When you get someones name tattooed across your back, you're really committed to the publicity stunt. Either way, Mariah gets the best airbrushers.

She's beautiful, but overrated.We're not buying her albums. We're not buying tickets to her movies. So who in the hell is buying the magazines they keep putting her on?

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Rihanna looking fierce on the cover of Elle Magazine.

How kind of the folks at Vibe Magazine's photo-shop department to give Mariah Carey a waist.

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Tom's looking rather "fresh". Botox, a mini-lift, perhaps?

Mischa Barton's thighs, brought to by the same people who brought us Victoria Beckham's legs? My fondest wish for the Pitts is that they hire a Black nanny for Zahara. Someone has to learn how to comb that child's hair.

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Which newly minted TV star is a pushover who already looks ready for rehab? At an L.A. party, the actor was mocked into doing a bunch of shots, despite protesting numerous times that he had to drive that night. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: Chase Crawford is the only person who comes to mind...

Mariah Carey is married to Nick Cannon according to some of Nick's relatives. Little confused about this one. Mariah, who's been rather closeted about her personal relationships since her divorce from Tommy Mottola, is suddenly seen with Nick and has now up and married him? Why do I get the feeling this is Mariah's way of taking the steam out of Madonna's currently publicity tour. I think this is her way of ensuring her name stays in the new for the next week or so. (Much like Ashlee Simpson's 'pregnancy').

One Girlie, Gonzo Blind Vice As I’m off to get hitched, thought it would be terribly appropriate to give you a little salacious het-on-het action. I mean, why not, more straights than fruits get married, right? Oh, but could that just be because it’s only legal for you guys? Never mind. This isn’t a political soap bitch; it’s a Blind Vice, and as intent as I was to bring on the hetero horniness, Vadge Fly-Trap interfered. Or at least her gal-hungry paws did. Vadge, really, is just as ballsy as most of the guys she’s simply clobbered in the Biz. More so, I’d say. She’s sorta like that Spitzer dude in fact—so obviously gunnin’ for the girls, while (stupidly) thinking nobody’ll notice. Hardly! While Ms. VFT rakes in the major dough for her TV and movie appearances, much of the world may indeed have fallen in love with her, but I’m tellin’ ya, those worshippers certainly don’t include some rich-ass Bev Hills babes. “She was sitting next to me, and her hand kept brushing up against my leg!” revealed one 30ish, single, Chanel-suited gal (who doesn’t like gals, at least, not in that way), regarding a luncheon party she attended with Ms. Fly-Trap. “She was actually squeezing my thigh at one point,” continued the guy-lovin’ lady, “and I, very directly, just had to ask her to stop it.” How very polite. What’s the matter with a good ol’ bitch-slap to the overly painted puss, huh? I mean, if a guy had done that to some broad who didn’t want it, it’s safe to assume his pucker would be sucker-punched, essentially. Oh, completely forgot. People dare not cross Vadge Fly-Trap, that’s why. She is, in T-town, what Tom Cruise used to be: megapowered and poop-proof. But not for very much longer. And it ain't: Paris Hilton, Scarlett Johansen or Martha Stewart. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: This one's tough (and actually readable). Blond A-list who does (or has done) both television and film. But at Tom Cruise levels? I'm going to sleep on this one.

Keeping it Legal I love how often the self righteous, artistic ones are always end up being the douchiest and the perviest. The backstory: Several years ago, while dating a high profile, fiery actress, he was on location shooting a movie and found himself one night at a local bar. A young hot thing approached, they flirted, they made the call, and pretty soon she was telling her friends she was heading home with the star, protected by both his bodyguards and a personal driver. So they get back to his place, start making out, she services him with her mouth, and tries to get him to return the favour, at which point he balks and then, no longer blinded by arousal, finally gets around to asking her: "Are you really 19?" Well of course she wasn’t 19. She was actually only 16. And when her guilty face confirmed it for him, he quickly called her a cab and sent her home, not offering to pay for her cab. He did however offer to pay for the silence. His security detail and the chauffeur, all of whom were witnesses to his tryst with the teen, were compensated handsomely for their discretion. They were so trustworthy that he wanted to use their services again when he returned to town for a new project recently. Unfortunately the same team wasn’t entirely intact. So instead, now single, he went to great lengths to secure a very capable staff to make sure he didn’t find himself in the kind of icky underage situation as last time. Was like having a personal assistant for the express purpose of getting him head and occasionally laid. Only he was strict about wanting it from “real” girls and not from professionals. Every few days or so, his people had to scour the city looking a girl he could spend a short time with. They’d all start off at a group dinner, and by the end of the night, he’d end up sated at place. A few girls were lucky enough for repeats but effort on his part was never forthcoming. Still… at the very least… he kept it legal. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: I always look for some Canadian angle when I'm attempting to solve of Lainey's blinds and this screams Edward Norton. Norton shot Death to Smoochie here in Toronto several years ago, and recently The Hulk primarily in Belleville, not too far from here (actually it's not too close either) and also in Toronto. I think he and Salma Hayek were still dating when he shot Death... and "fiery" might be something someone would say about a Latina.

Just Asking? WHICH columnist for a sleepy tabloid - whose physical stature is as small as his ego is large - is quite the prima donna? Before his recent speech and book-signing at a library in Connecticut, he presented a list of demands, from the mundane (a glass of water, a reserved parking space) to the persnickety (no round table, no tablecloth) . . . Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: No clue yet... WHICH celebrity dad is just as rebellious as his starlet daughter? The troubled parent wears a ring through a piercing on his nether regions. Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: That must have made Michael Lohan popular in prison.

Which wonky reality show star quietly checked into a California rehab center only to head for the exits when the staff said they would be searching her bags? Wait, you mean you can't take drugs into rehab? Gossip Wrap-Up Guess: I pray it's Paula Abdul. I have no clue what she's on, but someone needs to stop her from embarassing herself further.